Section 30

It’s everyone’s favorite time of year. Gambling season. As a special gift to all of you, I’m going to post my picks for the week on this very site each and every week. That’s right, the self proclaimed greateast handicapper on Eastview Dr is going to open up his vault of football wisdom and allow you to get rich too. Please send check or money order for 25% of all winnings to my home address.

Miami +1 over the Steelers. Charlie Batch, Willie Parker, Santonio Holmes. Your 2006 Super Bowl Champions!!!

Atlanta +5 over the Panthers. The Panthers win this one at home, but with 89 banged up, it’ll be close.

Tampa -3 over B-more. Baltimore hasn’t fielded an offense since they were in Cleveland. No way this unit moves it on the Bucs.

New England -9 over Buffalo. Willis McGahee runs for 300 yards and Lee Evans catches 20 balls (a guy can dream, can’t he?) but the Bills find a way to lose. Big.

Kansas City -2 over Cincy. Cincinnattica’s run defense vs Grandmama at Arrowhead? Gotta go with the Chefs.

Denver -3.5 over St. Louis. To be honest, I have no idea on this one. On paper it’s not even close.

Cleveland -3 over New Orleans. Two crappy teams in a game no one cares about.

Tennessee -2.5 over NYJ. Two more crappy teams. Thanks to the scheduling department for starting the season out with a bang. The Kerry Collins led Titans get it done at home. At least I think. Ah, who the hell cares???

Philly -5.5 over Houston. Note to Mr. Lundy: You aren’t at Virginia, and those aren’t the Tarheels.

Seattle -6 over Detroit. Who cares if the Seahawks have no receivers? I could catch passes against the Lions.

Chicago -3.5 over Green Bay. It’s quite possible Nathan Vasher will finish this game tied for the team lead in receptions. Think about it.

Dallas +2 over Jacksonville. Can’t help but think that Dallas will be a lot better than people think. TO gives them 16 good games, and a playoff run.

Arizona -9 over San Francisco. The Cards will score a lot of points this year, but in all likelihood will give up a lot. Not this weekend.

Indy -3.5 over NYG. No one beats Peyton in September. No one.

Washington -4.5 over Minnesota. The Skins can’t be as bad as they’ve looked can they?

San Diego -3 over Oakland. Football Jesus vs. Aaron Brooks. Put the farm on it.

This week’s Gold Bullet Locks of the Week: Seattle and Chicago.

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
T.S. Eliot – “The Hollow Men”

And so it was with The Tailgating Newsletter…

This was only one of two TNLs for the 2004 season; I actually missed the Ohio State, Wake Forest, Florida State, and ECU games that year.  Remember how good Jay Davis was going to be?  TNL never did live up to the hype bestowed upon its first volume in 2003.  Perhaps expectations were just too high.  Perhaps it just got too big too fast.  Regardless, that jeans shorts picture never stops being funny… 

The Tailgating newsletter: 2004 summer special
“We only ask because we care”
Volume 2, Issue 1
July 13, 2004
Cary

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR TAILGATING PRESIDENT
It was indeed a tremendous honor for me and J.R. Crawford to humbly accept the nomination to serve again in 2004 as your Tailgating President and Vice President, respectively, at the Second Annual Tropical Shindig held at longtime supporter Ben Crawford’s modest home in Cary, NC.

As promised in the acceptance speech (inset) and subsequent rally, we promise to promote the core values that this great tailgating conference holds so dear.  I promise to you that I will do all that is in my power to ensure that the deep-fried turkey is moist and tender and flavorful and that there is more shrimp than Old Bay; I will make every effort to ensure that the coolers remain full of icy cold beer and that we have plenty of ice for those dreaded ninety-five degree afternoons; I will make it my personal duty to make sure Jacob (“Hey, take my picture!”) is in every single picture taken at all tailgates, because everyone knows that a drunk Jacob makes for wonderful entertainment.
 
But most of all, I promise to try and make every tailgate into a memorable memory to be remembered by many.  And we will strive to document those memorable memories of yonder autumn winds gone by in the weekly editions of The Tailgating Newsletter. 

Furthermore, I promise to take TNL to another level and become the most ground-breaking independent tailgating publication in East-Central North Carolina.  We’ve spent the summer lining up a series of guest columnists – football insiders – for the season’s regular weekly publications, and we are very excited to have them aboard the TNL team. 

The first of those guest columnists contributed to this issue, the TNL Summer Special.  She is on loan from the NC State Sports Information Department and she has an inspiring story about a relative unknown recruiting prospect that I hope you’ll find fascinating and moving. 

We’re also excited to have several other ideas that will turn up in future issues that we here on the TNL staff hope you’ll find exciting as well.  And of course you can expect to see some of the same crowd favorites that made TNL the industry-respected publication it is today.

But in the end, it’s the tailgaters – the little people like each of you – that subscribe to TNL that make tailgating the great American festival that it is.  Jacob and I will do everything in our power to make our Tailgating Conference strong at home and well-respected abroad.  We are both veteran tailgaters and we know what it takes to make tailgating wonderful.  We are honored that you have once again placed your confidence in us.

Remember, ask not what your fellow tailgaters can do for you; ask what you can do for your fellow tailgaters.  I’m R.L. Bentley, III, and I approved this message.

R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD
Tailgating President
Chief of Neurosurgery, Wilkes Hospital
 
PRESEASON FOOTBALL DIARY
By Annabelle Vaughan

I can’t believe football season is less than two months away!!  I’m trying to get used to this summer schedule and the heat is so intense; I had to pour water all over myself and let it run down my body, even though I was wearing a white T-shirt (none of the guys minded).  The freshmen haven’t even reported yet, but it already sounds different out here.  These guys are making a lot noise for me.

I spent time watching the quarterbacks today – there is a lot of talent out there.  In an underdog story that could rival Rudy and Hoosiers, a British-Canadian named Matthew Edwards will vie for the coveted starting quarterback position for Chuck Amato’s fifth squad.  Edwards, a virtual no-name outside of his local North Carolina Audi club, has never played organized football in his life, but feels like he has the heart and drive to secure a slot on the roster and hopes to one day be under center for the Wolfpack.
 
His delivery is eerily similar to Philip Rivers’ and Coach says it could pay off come fall.  “This kid could really be something special,” Coach said in his usual raspy voice, “No one thought Philip would amount to anything either…but daggummit, and I can’t say this enough: we have to start tackling better.”

Edwards’ inexperience and size, though, could prove quite the hindrance in the long run.  At 5’10”/155, Edwards doesn’t quite match up to Rivers in size; nor does he measure up well against front-runners Jay Davis (JR, 6’2”/205) and Marcus Stone (RS FR, 6’4”/226), for that matter.  But what amazes me is the size of his hands – they’re so big!

Recruiting expert James Henderson says he’s never even heard of Edwards.  “We at Statefans.com know everything about anything NC State sports related, but somehow this kid has slipped under the radar.  I found out about him on a post buried in some thread titled I heard from a good source that Sendek was the Lakers’ first choice and was just about to lock it when someone slipped in a post about him.  We hope to have a recruiting bio on him though in the new Pack Pride magazine.”

Of course, the biggest concern at this time for the Wolfpack staff isn’t Edwards’ size, but his eligibility: Edwards has already graduated from college and by NCAA rules has no eligibility remaining.  NC State Director of Compliance, Michelle Lee, has already filed the necessary paperwork to petition the NCAA for an extension of eligibility based on an obscure hardship rule; apparently Edwards didn’t realize his dream was to play college football until after he had already graduated.  The ACLU has joined the fight and his chances are promising.  We hope to have a stirring update when the season starts.

Tomorrow: Independent workouts at one of the guy’s houses

PROFILES IN DRUNKENNESS: SECOND ANNUAL TROPICAL SHINDIG
There are times when words will just not suffice.  They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and yet I’m speechless.

A LETTER TO THE EDITOR
I would like to extend a special thanks to all the fellow tailgaters that were trying, in their own less-than-subtle ways, to help me “get some ass” on Saturday night at The Shindig…  I’d like to thank each of you for ignoring me when I pleaded with you to relax, calm down, and let me handle it on my own; instead ya’ll surmised that my way was not, indeed, the best course of action and could in no way be in my best interest. 

I’d like to offer my sincere gratitude to Jacob for taking it upon himself to loudly and repeatedly inform everyone within earshot to be quiet or go outside because I was “trying to get some ass;” as benign and wholehearted as his efforts were, even at a distance of ten feet his voice somehow, as inexplicable as it might be, transcended through the soundproof, wooden door of my bedroom.  Thank you, Ben, for unselfishly telling Matt you had to close the computer room door because I needed some privacy because I was trying to “get some,” while said “give some” girl was coming out of the bathroom two feet behind you.  Gracias, Shawn, for pulling me to the side on at least five occasions to inform me just how disappointed you’d be in me if I didn’t “close” (once with her right beside me).  Worm, I appreciate you proclaiming to all who would listen that I was “getting served.”  And I’d like to bestow a very special Kiss My Ass to Nate II for informing me that, while married, he still has better game than me.

I’d like to thank you all for instilling in me a poignant laugh while in a room alone with a girl who had come into my room and shut the door.  While we both listened to ya’ll and joked about it, even trying to feed the frenzy a little, she may have realized that I was a little pathetic and was likely good friend material, but I knew better: I knew that I had some drunk ass friends who in their own way were just looking out for me.  With friends like them, who needs enemies?

But please, while your fascination with my love life, or lack thereof, is flattering, please know that I have things under control.  And please for the love of honoring the process, don’t help me anymore! 

Lucas Miller
2003 Herb Sendek Award for Excellence Recipient

IN CLOSING
It’s been a long off-season and you can’t quite yet smell those dog days of summer when the two-a-days kick back into high gear and the days get shorter, but it is coming.  So until then we’ll just bide our time by watching old game tapes and ESPN Classic.  And while uncertainties abound for the 2004 Wolfpack on the field, we can all be certain that the tailgating will be plentiful and exhilarating.  Folks, we’re staring down the loaded barrel of probably the greatest home schedule in NC State history and as the intensity of the competition heats up, we have to match that intensity in our own little way by taking our festivities up another notch. 

And remember, I’m not just the tailgating president, I’m also a member.

– R.L. 

I’d like to note that I got the Unsung Hero Award at my high school senior awards ceremony; my mom informed me it was the “award” they gave to anyone that didn’t get any other kind of award, so that no one was left out.  Looking back, I was perhaps the only one on that stage holding that award that wasn’t looking forward to graduation so I’d have more time to work on my Trans Am.

The Tailgating newsletter: The season in review
“We only ask because we care”
Volume 1, Issue 8
December 2003

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR PRESIDENT
IT’S BEEN SAID THAT THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY REMAIN THE SAME. 

I’ll say.

It seems like just yesterday when we were eagerly anticipating those dreaded Dog Days of Summer, where once again on Saturdays, everything would again be right with the world.  And here we are, on the cusp of the Yuletide season, reminiscing about another season of autumn winds gone by, wondering: “What do we have to look forward to this Saturday?”

But we can cherish the memories of another fine season and continue to build on the relationships and bonds we developed in those seven short weekends in the autumn of 2003. 

As you indubitably might recall, we entered this season with several uncertainties.  Would we be able to maintain our intensity like the bygone days of our youth?  How would expansion affect the group and would the newest member (Worm) really solidify our position among the tailgating elite?  Would we become more organized and less erratic in our preparation for game day?

And as we look back and evaluate each performance, we can certainly answer, in a positive way, some of the questions that lingered in August.  But we must never become content – contentment breeds mediocrity, and we must never settle for anything less than national prominence.   

Am I pleased with our performance this season?  Well, there is certainly room for improvement.  But at the same time, we, as a group, have to continue to chop wood and honor the process.  And I would have to believe that our group can match up with any tailgating group in the nation; whether it is a group from LSU, Ole Miss, or Wisconsin.  We just need to improve on our cohesiveness as a unit and remember that we live in day-tight compartments.

Before we can move forward, though, we must look back.  And when we look back we can certainly find the positives on which to build, so that we may grow as a group, each individual doing his (or her) part to make our tailgating experience more memorable.  Individual honors only serve to illustrate how each individual participant can be so instrumental in the overall success of the tailgate.  The first annual TNL Awards were voted on by an anonymous panel and with great pride I have included them in this special edition TNL.  

1st ANNUAL TAILGATING HONORS

MVP – STEVE EDWARDS
Edwards, in his rookie tailgating season, proved his value immediately at the Western Carolina game with his mocking of the “Move the Chains” chant and subsequent and seemingly innocent “Who was that?”  Edwards showed tremendous upside week-after-week, and he showed incredible versatility en route to his first tailgating MVP award; whether it be enlightening the younger participants with his wisdom and wit or carving the turkey, Edwards was always on top of his game.  “Steve Edwards was invaluable to us this season.  He is fearless,” J.R. Crawford says of Edwards.  “He is unafraid to dish it out and he can certainly take it; absolutely.”  

12TH MAN – STEVEN WILKES
Wilkes, of Lincoln County, was a free-agent pickup for the UNC game and if anyone ‘honors the process,’ this Cat does.  “He brings so many intangibles to a tailgate,” Jeremy McGinnis says of Wilkes.  “He has tremendous length and there really is no ‘quit’ in him.”  Wilkes is always on top of his game; he keeps a case of beer between his seats for just such occasions.  Wilkes is a quiet observer of those around him, and his wit is unyielding: “I don’t have any vices,” Wilkes proclaims, taking a drag from his Marlboro and then a long pull from his can of Budweiser.   

UNSUNG HERO – EMILY “EASY-E” HINES
Hines is simply a force unto herself.  “She’s an angel; she’s a saint – those are two things that I ain’t,” Jacob Crawford says matter-of-factly of his long-time girlfriend.  Lord knows she must be to deal with his sorry ass all the time – as well as the rest of us, might I add.  Her Easiness always shows up ready to contribute.  She’s usually quite serene but has a feistiness that’s simply unmatched.  She proclaimed her “Greatest Person Ever” status during the season and emphatically remains a modest and ubiquitous presence among the group. 

COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR – L.D. WILLIAMS
Williams, fighting off an early season, non-tailgating related illness, made her return in remarkable fashion to participate fully in nearly all tailgating activities.  She proved invaluable with her preparation of numerous food items and snacks, especially the Deviled Eggs and S’mores Brownies (which she made despite not being on the roster for that game; talk about taking one for the team).  Her love for Philip Rivers boundless, Williams sported her red #17 jersey with pink letters proudly at each game she was healthy.  “Williams is truly an inspiration to us all to fight like she did and be such an integral part of Section 30, Rows Y and Z,” said fellow tailgater, Easy-E Hines.

HENCH AWARD – JEREMY MCGINNIS
McGinnis’ tailgating worth most certainly has to be measured through the intangibles.  “He has tremendous depth,” Shawn Williams says.  Whether it is a “blackout” or an inappropriate and snide comment at exactly the right time, Worm always seems to know how to shun conventional cynicism and offer his own biased approach to life.  His comebacks are pithy and his wit unabashed.  There is simply no replacement for overstating the obvious with such poignant comments as “At least I’m getting laid,” “Tackle someone!” or “He’s horrible!”  The addition of McGinnis has certainly brought more character to Saturdays outside Carter-Finley. 

MOST LIKELY TO NOT BE AROUND NEXT SEASON AWARD – BEN MILLER
At the outset of the 2003 tailgating season, it appeared that if ever there was a tailgater that was past his prime, it was Ben.  This once ferocious and intimidating lion had been reduced to little more than a mild-tempered, purring kitten.  Ben, seemingly down and out – not permitted to make any decisions for himself, it seemed – continued to fight, however, and eventually regained some of the respect he lost by what most of the participants termed as his “utter abandonment” of all tailgating principles.  “I’m not going to lie – he was dead to me,” admits Lucas Miller.  “But then I realized he was just another poor, whooped soul like so
many others I know, and – it just breaks my heart to see him like that.”  Ben continued chopping wood, though, and on several occasions he actually drank real beer.  (“It’s that wussy beer – it must be Ben’s,” chimed Steve Edwards on various occasions.)  By season’s end, though, the sleeves had come off, and this year’s recipient of the Doug Christie jersey had made enormous inroads towards regaining his elite tailgating status.   

SMEAR THE BEER AWARD – SHAWN WILLIAMS
B. Shawn Williams, like John Elway and Barry Sanders before him, decided to go out while he was on top.  Williams became the first champion of America’s new favorite pastime, Smear the Beer, and then, just as abruptly and unlikely as an Adam Kiker chip-shot, he walked away from it all, basking in the glory of that brief, albeit unforgettable, moment.  “It was truly a great throw, and I’ll never forget the feel of Mr. Fonville’s Miller Lite splattering all over me,” Matt Edwards said after the game, the overpowering emotion still lingering in the air.  “I’ll always remember Williams’ throw – it was so cohesive.”

GREG GOLDEN AWARD – JACOB CRAWFORD
It unfolded like the memorable plays always do: The abnormally warm, late-November sunshine beat down on the asphalt and their rolled-up-sleeves-exposed shoulders; but they would have to ignore the heat because it was fourth down and goal and the game was on the line.  Just as The Great Emmy Miller went under center, waiting to take the snap from Brooke Shevitz, sixth-year senior cornerback Jacob Crawford crept towards the line of scrimmage, showing Bump-and-Run coverage on the true freshman wide out, Katie Hilborn; Miller, like all great quarterbacks do, recognized the changing coverage and called an audible at the line.  She took the snap and quickly released the football, avoiding the brutal pass rush by Shawn Williams and Ben Crawford, who swarmed past Shevitz in a fury.  The pass was a tight spiral and the ball hit Hilborn in the hands just as she posted and turned; Crawford had went for the interception and was beat terribly, just like his idol – “That’s my boy!” – Greg Golden, always was.  Katie ran the pass in for a touchdown and Jacob could only hang his head in shame afterwards.  “I would match Emmy and Katie up against any quarterback/receiver combo in the nation,” Jacob said; he then claimed there was offensive pass interference, but replays refuted his claim and further showed that he was just flat-out beat by a shorter, smaller, slower, less-athletic girl.

MOST VERSATILE – MATT EDWARDS
The Junior Edwards was instrumental in the recruitment process every week, bringing in outside participants to increase depth among the group.  His wit is unpretentious and he is a social magnet; “Matt knows a lot of people,” Shawn Williams says of Edwards.  Quietly modest and often unassuming, Matt has a fiercely raw sense of humor and pulls no punches when the circumstances call for him to step up and represent the group.  Perhaps his paramount acquisition was the aforementioned MVP, his father, Steve Edwards, for which the group is indisputably stronger.

THE HERB SENDEK AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE – LUCAS MILLER
Miller is living proof that bad things do, indeed, happen to good people.  “If this is all one big joke, then Lucas’ life is the punch line.”  He has strived to be simply mediocre and honestly believes one day he will become just that.  He might be a grown-ass man unable to get a date, but by God he can recognize a ton of college fight songs, knows an untold quantity of sports trivia, is undeniably good friend material, and is mastering the art of deep-frying a Cajun-spiced turkey.  His pathetic existence brashly provides the basis for most of the group’s entertainment, and that is merely irreplaceable.

IN CLOSING, THIS YEAR WAS MEMORABLE, BUT WE MUST INDEED STRIVE TO IMPROVE.  Looking to next season, we have the opportunity to turn it up a notch and build on the success we have bestowed upon ourselves.  Whether it be another expansion or something as tangible as adding a Pig Cooker, we must never become content.  If we had two tents this season, then we must strive to have three next; if four coolers was satisfactory in 2003, then let’s make it our goal to need five in 2004.  Let’s never settle fellow tailgaters. 

Remember, life is like a sled dog team: unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.

Until 2004,

Dr. R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD, PE
Tailgating President/CEO
Chief of Neurosurgery, Wilkes Hospital

Issue 6 was invariably lost, which is a real shame because I remember it being a tribute to Cash, who we found out died the morning of the Ohio State game, when most of us watched that game on the big screen in Jemily’s clubhouse; that was a fun day; I remember being totally exhausted that weekend after flying in late Friday from Biloxi and knowing I had to drive to Raleigh so I could fly back out the following morning, and we were in Stool Pigeons around 10 or so that night and Gary and I were both dozing…that might have been the exact moment we were officially old.    

The Doug Christie issue.  I remember Jacob was helping me move from Spartanburg to Gastonia, and right before he put the master lock on upside down, effectively locking us out of the U-Haul until we found a hammer big enough to beat that thing off, he had this incredible idea (in response to Ben missing the Western game, which had then yet to happen): “We’re buying Ben a Doug Christie jersey.”  There was no turning back once that fantastic idea had been proposed.

It led to this…

The TAILGATING NEWSLETTER
“We only ask because we care.”
VOLUME 1, Issue 7
SEPTEMBER 25, 2003
Gastonia

IT WAS A MAGNIFICENT Homecoming Saturday, one for the ages in grand ole Raleigh, home of our beloved Wolfpack – and, well, Shawn and Lauren and Ben and Lizzy and Matt and one day, again, me.  Anyway, Isabel had reared her ugliness throughout the Old North State just a few days earlier, but in her wake she left a sweltering yet serene atmosphere for football and tailgating; friends and laughter; moving the chains and “woo-woo-woo-wooing.”  The morning began, of course, with the obligatory Bo-Bo’s breakfast and soon led to some unusually-responsible beer-drinking and a downright unforgettable award ceremony for one of our members. 

After the tailgating festivities, we were treated by #17 and Co. to a relentless spanking of Lubbock’s Finest – although at last check, it appears the Pack D is still surrendering passing yards to Symons, who just surpassed 2,200 yards on 156-for-221 passing; the Red Raiders have scored again to close the Wolfpack lead to 224-35.

After the game, the tailgating festivities moved to Ben’s house in the swanky Lake Pine Drive area of Cary, where Ben served his party guests cheeseburgers and hotdogs; he generously allowed them to bring their own beverages.

Once there, the guests chose sides in the Georgia/LSU game and it turned into a very heated fourth quarter; one in which Lucas at one time berated Jacob with a stirring rendition of the Georgia fight song (Glory, Glory Hallelujah) after the Dawgs scored on a 93-yard TD pass to tie the Bayou Bengals late in the game.

Although LSU eventually won, Jacob was unable to counter with the Tigers’ fight song, which was a victory in itself to Lucas, who prides himself in his vast knowledge of college fight songs.

It’s a wonder he’s still single, isn’t it…

THEY SAID IT: STEVE EDWARDS QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“…Except for Ben – he drinks that wussy beer.”

TNL EXCLUSIVE: BEN’S ‘WHOOPEDNESS’ AWARDED

Ben looks on in anticipation as Matt presents him with the Doug Christie jersey.  “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man alive,” Ben said, fighting back tears in an emotional acceptance speech.

IN A LAUGHTER-FILLED and emotional ceremony Saturday morning in the parking lot behind the RBC Center, Ben was presented with the inaugural Doug Christie jersey.  The Tailgating President and CEO, R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD, delivered a heartfelt speech as Matt Edwards had the distinguished honor of presenting Ben with the jersey.  In the speech, President Bentley alluded to Ben’s “whoopedness” and how Lizzy has so successfully “revoked [his] decision-making abilities.”

Ben was nearly driven to tears in anticipation as he accepted this award; he was almost reluctant to don the jersey at first, but eventually relented and proudly modeled the jersey for all in attendance to see.

“Today, I consider myself the luckiest man alive,” Ben said, fighting back tears in his emotional acceptance speech.  “I’d like to first of all thank the owner of my leash and girlfriend, Elizabeth, without out whom none of this would be possible.”

Ben, from all of us at TNL, we want you to know we were laughing at you and not with you.

THE “I’M COOL BECAUSE I CAN DRINK A TON” AWARD
So, Lizzy and I are on the deck Saturday evening discussing Ben’s temper and The Other Shawn comes out to smoke a cigarette.  Anyway, Lizzy and I were essentially discussing how lame we both are and how we both feel so old; we agree that we can’t drink like we used to. 

So this cat chides in and informs us of just how much he can drink.  “I can’t drink enough that I can’t drive.  I can always drink myself sober.”

Just for clarity, he said “I can always drink myself sober.” 

Well I’ll be a son of a bitch, all these years the experts have said that cold showers and coffee won’t sober you up; only time will.  And here he up and disproves this for the ridiculous theory that it obviously is; all these years we could have been drinking ourselves sober.  1998 would have been so much different had we known this (although, I am quite certain most of us probably tried this at least a few times).

But then he expounds on just how much he can drink: Apparently, he got a fifth of Jim Beam for his birthday this year, and when challenged, he turned that fifth up and drained it in 15 seconds.  15 seconds!  For those of you wondering, a fifth will fill up a 20-ounce Coke bottle with a little to spare. 

“I was so shitty I fell off the cooler…but three hours later I was ready to go to the Longbranch.”

FANTASY FOOTBALL
The Killer Millers (2-1), who have won two straight despite having what some have termed an inferior lineup, stormed out of the gates this weekend, easily defeating No-No-Notorious (1-2) 112-88 in a high-scoring affair. 

The Pocket Rockets (2-1) were flaccid early, but soon stiffened up and found a way to hold off The Infamous Tracy’s Belmont Playboys 95-89, handing them their first loss of the season.

“Playoffs?!?!  Playoffs?!?!” Coach Worm responded after the Pocket Rockets second straight sub-100-point weekend.

In this week’s pillow fight, Pimpin aint EZ (1-2) found the win column for the first time by defeating Allyour$20belongtome (1-2) 78-72.  Coach Matt Edwards was quoted after the game as saying that “his team would have the most points with the worst record.”  Hey, stats are for losers, Coach.

In the final game of the weekend, the Jive Turkeys (1-2) struggled again, losing to the Wolflovers (2-1) 107-78.  This second straight week of futility and lack of offensive performance prompted Coach Shawn Williams to make some changes in his roster for next week.

“I needed to get some new blood in there with my poor point production,” a disappointed Williams said in a terse press conference following this weekend’s game.

“I think [he] just offended the word ‘poor,’” Pocket Rockets coach Worm was quoted in response to Williams’ press conference. 

BEN VERSUS WORM: WEEK 3
WORM 317
BEN 291

Ben lost ground on Worm in Week 3, falling to 25 points behind.  TNL will continue to track this side bet as it develops.

COME O’ER THE HILL CAROLINE
Did you know that Johnny “The Mouth” Bunting “almost won the Division-III championship at Glassboro State”?  (FYI, TNL discovered that the former Glassboro State is now known as Rowan University and is located in New Jersey).

“Anyone that says Coach Bunting isn’t one of the best college coaches in the nation is only fooling themselves!”

The Pack prepares this week for the always-intense rivalry match-up with the Heels.  The dominant C.J. Stephens, Darkhorse Heisman candidate Darian Durant, and Rabbit will bring the nation’s 108th ranked rushing defense to Carter-Finley looking for their first victory.

Seriously, ya’ll, if you haven’t visited johnbunting.com yet, what are you waiting for? 
 
NEWS AND NOTES
Tailgating festivities will commence at 8am Saturday morning.  The menu will include shrimp, potatoes, corn-on-the-cob, and possibly hushpuppies.  A grill will also be available for cooking burgers and/or dogs for those weirdos that don’t eat shrimp.  Losers.

Gashley will grace us with their presence on Saturday, which will perpetually trigger countless stories of the glory days of Freshman Gary – for the record, Freshman Gary lasted from 1997 to somewhere around 2001, when he reprehensibly settled down and became a responsible homeowner and fiancé; reprehensible, I know.

And for those of you that don’t know Lincoln County’s Steven Wilkes…well, you’re in for quite a treat.  No words I write could possibly do justice to just how unique this cat is.

See you Saturday.

R. L.

 

 

I still remember Jacob’s “we’re gonna spank that ass” email about that Wake game and me being torn between the simultaneous satisfaction and utter disappointment I’d have after we lost of being right.  Philip threw two of his seven interceptions of 2003 in that game, and both were deflections, but there was never a point during that game in which I believed we had a chance. 

Two things strike me as particularly funny in this one: 

First, Ben has always labored under the impression that he is somehow a fantasy God, and yet he’s never won any league in which I’ve ever participated with him.  He was very adamant that he could outscore everyone in this league, and yet, he didn’t make the playoffs that season.  However, I had the lowest total points in the regular season and made the playoffs as the fourth-seed. 

Second, how dated is this issue now?  We still had the time and desire to trade mass emails regularly throughout the week; Ole Blue was still in service, and not sitting decommissioned and rotting in my folks’ basement; we still had to deal with people getting married; and most importantly, Britney was still a sex symbol.   

The TAILGATING NEWSLETTER
“We only ask because we care.”
Volume 1, Issue 5
September 2003
Biloxi
 
I would first and foremost like to thank my VP and COO, J.R. Crawford, for stepping in and doing TNL in my stead last week, as I was much too busy becoming The Man at the Blackjack tables at the Beau Rivage Casino and Resort of Biloxi, Mississippi.  My memoirs of the week, Shit I Did, were reprinted in TNL Vol. 1, #4 (without, might I add, the express written consent of the office of the commissioner).  Let’s all give Jacob a round of applause for all his effort. 
 
I would also like to personally congratulate him for breaking the world record for the use of the phrase “statuatory rape” in a single email.  There’s nothing quite as redeeming as seeing your name beside that phrase on your office email address.  So, Jacob, a collective thank you from Worm, Chuck, and myself.  Fag.
 
Ah, the weekend.  Jacob actually called me an idiot for saying that Wake worried me.  “We’re gonna spank that ass,” he replied.  Now I don’t want to say I told you so, but… 
 
Turn-back-the-clock Saturday was filled with just flippin’ peachy occurances.  First, for all of you who might have forgotten our 1999 trip to Winston-Salem, Lee Fowler apparently arranged for former State head coach and fan favorite, Mike O’Cain, to be “Offensive Coordinator For a Day.”  O’Cain shaved his head and grew a thick black moustache and put on the headphones for the Pack one last time (hopefully); this was evident in the truly magnificent play-calling on first- and third-downs — calls that only O’Cain himself could make. 
 
So, on this fine example of an early autumn Saturday, reminscant of so many yonder autumn winds gone by, I settled into Ole Blue, Jr. at my house in Wilkes By God County with a plate of wings from Ted’s Kickin’ Chick’n in my lap and became a very keen observer of the game; a game in which Cotra Jackson very quietly racked up 24 yards on 12 carries, and yet, amazingly enough, you won’t find him on anybody’s Heisman List.  Unbelievable, is it not? 
 
And what sparkling play-calling on defense as well, where on one instance, second-and-goal from the one, CTC brilliantly pulls DT Tank Tyler and inserts into the game LB Oliver Hoyte in his place.  Brilliant move on his part, seeing as how our linebackers were doing such a marvelous job of helping out all day long.  Wake scores untouched, which was actually the norm for the day.  Kudos, fellas.
 
I remember saying after the spring game that as quick as our D looked, no way anyone would turn the corner on it.  As it would turn out, no one would need to, as it is much simpler to just run through the gaping holes in our line.  After all, the shortest distance between two points — the backfield and the end zone — is a straight line.
 
Thank God we don’t have to do something like go play the #2 team in the nation in front of 100,000 fans or anything next week…
 
Time to digress.
 
Full Disclosure Act
By presidential mandate, I, R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD, Tailgating President and CEO, hereby declare that the Full Disclosure Act of 2003 is in effect.
 
This stems from recent disapproval of presidential handling of his own private affairs.  Since apparently there is no room for a private life among this Tailgating Conference, from here until evermore this Tailgating Conference will operate under the terms of the Full Disclosure Act, which states:
 
Under no circumstances, according to Tailgating Law, shall you (or any of your subordinates) keep any aspect of your private life private.  Indeed, We only ask because we care.  Failure to comply with this mandate will result in harsh and unjust punishment, to be determined by the VP/COO at his own discretion.
 
In Layman’s terms, this means that even if you’ve only been out with a girl one time, you better have a very detailed explanation of your relationship with her or else you’re a “private” person.
 
Fantasy Football
For me, fantasy football is watching football all weekend long with the select NFL cheerleaders from this month’s Maxim…and they don’t ask me why they run it up the middle every time.  Next would have to be Britney in the opening monologue of MNF, as she was last night, only mute; let Bocephus do his job, Britney, you just be the hoochie that we all love.    
 
Week One is all said and done, and as Worm so very delicately noted, my fantasy team did, indeed, “set a record for futility” this weekend.  Thank you Worm for pointing that out to me.
 
Worm and the infamous Tracy finished the week tied at the top (cheaters); conversely, Jacob and Lucas failed to break a hundred, and sit at the bottom (which, incidentally enough, is where Lucas is used to being).  Shawn is in third; Chuck sixth; the ass fag Carolina fan fourth; and in a solid fifth, Ben, who actually had the second-highest point total but lost, prompting him to “vote for a recall in league commissioner” who is the very “idiot” that “put the damn draft on LABOR FREAKING DAY…”
 
To recap, Ben is “not being a sore loser,” doesn’t “like head-to-head leagues,” is “paying for his right to complain,” and will “put more money in saying that [he’d] end up with more points at the end of the season than [Worm].”
 
I smell a side bet.  So, in the spirit of uninhibited gambling, Ben and Worm will agree to a $20 minimum bet, and TNL will track the week-to-week performance of Ben’s and Worm’s fantasy teams, so that we may, indeed, watch with glee as this saga unfolds.
 
Week 1  
Worm  130
Ben     126
 
Ben Joke of the Week
“I wont be there till Saturday morning, hopefully by 10 or so.”
 
In this case, “or so” means whenever the hell Lizzy decides it’s time for Ben to be there.
 
News and Notes
The Texas Tech game will be at noon and will be televised by ESPN2.  Tailgating time is TBA, but will most likely be an 8am start and will likely consist of Bo-Bo’s and coffee for you weak asses that are too scared to crack open a beer before lunchtime.  Check your local listings for a Bo-Bo’s in your area. 
 
As of press time, no one has reported any wedding on that date, thank God.  As you might recall, some of us did not see the game in Lubbock last season, as the viewing of that barn-burner was precluded by the Williams Wedding.  But we did have a couple resources to keep up with the game.  Along with the radio we had strageically placed in the hallway just outside the vestibule, we had Jacob’s constant hand signals before and during the wedding; I can’t emphasize enough just how instrumental Jacob was in the success of that day.  Tremendous upside.
 
In the meantime, I bid you adieu, and farewell to thee.  Until next week.
 
R.L.

 

All I have to say about this one is that for the record, Easy-E did say she did not want to ride in the back of my truck. I might have used that to bolster my defense, but in no way did I fabricate that.

Volume 1, Issue 4
“Where We Only Ask Because We Care”
Charlotte, September 2003
by Jacob Crawford

With an excerpt from L. R. Miller’s Pullitzer-nominated “Compulsive: Memoirs of Biloxi”

Because our Tailgating President & CEO, Dr. R.L. Bentley III has been shipped to Biloxi, Mississippi with other useless Clemson fans, I am penning this week’s edition of TNL. However, if there are questions, concerns or other meaningless and totally unfounded criticism of this publication, it should still be directed to Mr. Bentley’s diaper, Lucas Miller.

Without further adieu, let’s get started with a recap of last weekend’s festivities.

First, Lucas called both Worm and myself Friday afternoon and informed us that he would not be joining us on our trip to Raleigh as previously planned. In a confidential statement that I’m unconfenditialing, Worm said that Lucas said something about Emily saying something about not wanting to sit in the back of a truck on the way back. Lucas also let the words “prior obligations” slip out of his mouth in the conversation. A) Lucas didn’t have prior obligations. B) If Emily, who he should’ve called Eazy-E, didn’t want to sit in the back of a truck, why would Lucas leave the three of us to ride in Worm’s truck to Raleigh. Either way, her Eaziness would be riding in the back of a truck because you know good and damn well my ass isn’t getting in the back of some bitch-ass truck. Back to point A). Lucas didn’t have prior obligations. He had a date. Apparently, the ass-clown hadn’t been on one in so long, he forgot how to say the word, “date.”

Upon our arrival to Raleigh, I suggested phoning Lucas and inquiring about his behavior. Worm added the grand suggestion of a solid practical joke on Lucas. Basically, I called Lucas, told him we weren’t coming to Raleigh, and he threw a hissy-fit, impressing his date.

In Lucas’ words, it went something like this:

Worm, who obviously holds such terrible animosity towards me because I am good with women and he is not, got a wild hair and decided it would be funny for Jacob to ‘Punk’ me.That S.O.B. calls me up and tells me he ain’t coming to the game until Saturday! The dirty, rotten-ass bastard.For the record, I knew he was lying, but something inside me went click and I flew into a fit of rage unmatched since Ben beat the hell out of Chip at Sylvan Park, way the hell back in 1998.At that moment, Jacob was dead to me. Dead. Which is really traumatic since that would make him the second Crawford to become dead to me in less than 2 weeks. Think Ben was on my shitlist? Hell, at least he was missing the game for an excusable…never mind, I can’t even try and justify it. Ben is still dead to me.But Jacob? First he tries to blame it on me. ME! “Well, we were planning on riding up with you but since you left us” — for good reason, might I add — “we’ve decided to come up tomorrow instead.” Then he tells me he doesn’t want to get up early. Speechless. Hang up #1.

Call back. Wait for him to laugh. Call him a few names. Explicative. A few more explicatives.

Hang up #2.

Call back. He still isn’t laughing. This isn’t funny. Not in the least.

Hang up #3.

Yeah, yeah, he was at the Ale House, I got punked, everyone laughed, haha, funny.

As you can see, Lucas conveniently leaves out the part where he told us he had “prior obligations” and the horseshit story about Eazy-E not wanting to ride in the back of a truck. The moral of the practical joke is this: If you’re going to sell out your friends for a date, that’s fine. Just make sure you are honest about it. See, when posed the question of whether or not he had a date, Lucas responded: “uh…. Maybe.” Lying isn’t cool, and lying to your friends about what is basically public knowledge of your relationship to seek personal glorification in the eyes of the cast of “Queer Eye for a Straight Guy” is downright stupid.

While at the Carolina Ale House Friday night, Worm noted that he was surprised to be the only person at the table without a date. That’s what happens when you continuously date women who have yet to receive their drivers’ licenses, much less women that are old enough to enter the Ale House.

When the shit hit the fan this week, the following comments were made in regards to Lucas’ situation:

“We only ask because we care.” – everyone in the group.

“It’s not like he’s dating someone he can’t tell everyone about, this time.” – Chuck Wagon

Enough about that… On to Saturday.

Although Ben notified us that he was not going to be attending the game, it was a real shock to be tailgating without someone downing an entire fifth of Captain Rum. From now on, Ben must consume Mount Gay Rum if he’s in our presence. If he brings another brand of rum, do your civic duty and drink the entire contents. As stated by nearly every person who has learned of the situation, it is now known that Ben has conceded all decision-making abilities. Word on the street has it that Ben even has to call Elizabeth (we need to find her a good nickname) and ask for permission to type on his keyboard at his office.

As usual, Saturday morning was spent at Bojangles and as Shawn noted, the fast-food crew had some problems adjusting to having a Caucasian team member. Here’s a clue that you need to get a new job: if you’re a grown ass man/woman handing out honey mustard at a fast-food joint, you need to get a new job.

Although it was tested earlier in the day, Chuck decided he could break Worm’s tent (the same one he doesn’t really have) first thing when we arrived to our new tailgating spot on the other side of the RBC Center. After downing a few beers and strips of Canadian bacon, Chuck took his father, Steve, who would later become the MVP of Section 30, on a journey around the facilities. Leave it to a French-Canadian to break shit and then wander off like he wasn’t responsible. Anyway, Worm enlisted me to join him in a trip to Dick’s Sporting Goods – where we purchased what were supposed to be our last-minute tailgating supplies earlier in the day. Nonetheless, I sprung a solid $85 for the tent (Eazy-E, if you’re reading this, the tent cost me $35) that would give us the proper amount of shade.

The tailgating included the following expected occurrences: Lucas and Worm found something to complain about; the dating habits of Lucas, Worm and Chuck (you know, the three that have toed the statutory rape line); Eazy-E, as predicted, found something wrong with my behavior at approximately 3:08pm ET; Shawn and I performed a remarkable rendition of the Biz Markie classic, “Just A Friend,” followed by Steve whispering in my ear, “You could use singing lessons.”

The game featured the Pack’s showdown with Western Carolina. We whipped that ass, but the most memorable moment of the day, was Steve joining the annoying “First Down” chant that goes something like this: “Move the chains, move the chains, roof roof roof.” While our entire group spent the entire game in amazement at the stupidity of the chant, Steve mocked the horses-asses, and then followed with “who was that?” Obviously, Chuck’s free-agent acquisition has seriously paid off for the group, and rumors have been circulating about Tailgating President & CEO Dr. R.L. Bentley III eyeing a trade that would send Chuck to an anonymous group for an attractive young woman that will shut the hell up. Other sources are saying the deal hit a snag, as there is no such thing as an attractive young woman that doesn’t talk too damn much.

It has come to my attention that something called a “TNL Supplement” was emailed to select readers this week. As acting dude in charge of shit, I hereby have renamed said email, “Shit I Did: Memoirs Of A Redneck In Biloxi.”

The email in full follows:

After a turbulence-ridden connection flight on one of America’s last remaining WWII-era prop-planes — trust me, nothing can rival the experience of a 15-minute roller coaster ride at 15,000 feet, nothing — I got the keys to my Chick Magnet (aka Hyundai Elantra) and coasted up Hwy 90 to one of the remaining bastions of Confederate glory.

Biloxi, Mississippi: Home of the Beau Rivage Casino and Resort (among numerous others). This place is plush. PLUSH. This would be a pretty sweet vacation spot, you know, minus the working-during the day and all.

I’m watching the six o’clock Sportscenter — which comes on at 5 here — and getting ready, standing at the bay window looking down on the Gulf from twenty-five stories up and I decide to take only cash and my room key; the credit cards and debit cards will stay safely in my wallet. No need to get all crazy or anything.

I’m ready. Let’s go play some Blackjack.

The Good
I now know when to hit, when to stay, when to split, and when to double-up. I know how to put insurance on the dealer’s hand. I know that a 14 is the same hand as a 16; they’re both a ‘Mother-in-law’ hand because “you want to hit her but you know you shouldn’t.” I know to split eights and nines and double-up on 10 or 11. The dealer was a working-tutorial because everyone at the table sucked (I’ll tell you why in a minute). I’d say ‘hit me’ and he’d say ‘you wanna stay, trust me’ (and based on the odds and numbers he was always right, although i didn’t always win). I learned how to play the dealer’s hand rather than my own. I now have the basic knowledge to play Blackjack for real…

The Bad
…I dropped a buck-fifty to learn. Well, minus the free Budweiser and three bottled waters it was really only like a buck-forty-seven or something. I won a lot. The problem was I made all my low bets ($5, minimum bet) on my winners and all my high bets ($10) on my losers. Lost with 19 or 20 like five times. But damn it if it wasn’t fun.

The Ugly
All the newbies were at the same table because the dealer had a disclaimer for anyone who sat in: “I’ll warn you, none of these guys know what they’re doing so they’re not playing the game right — just a warning.”

I found out quickly that people who know what they’re doing hate people that don’t because by playing the game ‘wrong’ you mess up the order for them. This fat girl plopped down beside me and laid $100 on the table — all the rest of us are playing the $5 minimum so she likely knows what she’s doing. Well, I took her face card, and that didn’t make her happy, and she let me know about it.

The Funny
This one guy at the table made a $5,000 bet (the max). This cat, easily chasing 60, has this Hawaiian Tropics Model wrapped around his arm, and he’s sporting a stack of $1K chips. She’s clinging to him, sipping on something Ben would drink, laughing as she bets a $100 and then hits on 19. hilarious. he just laughs (likely at the rest of us because he knew he’d be getting some later on).

So then the waitress comes by to take drink orders. The dealer tells us she was Miss Mississippi 1998 (absolutely believavble, might want to check with Worm though to make sure). Anyway, I take my Bud and plop down $3 worth of chips on her tray, thinking I’m The Man. She works her way around to the old bugger and he drops a $500 chip on her tray. $500! This kitty slinking on his arm obviously doesn’t like that at all so she starts pouting, refusing to make a bet. They wind up leaving to go eat and the dealer tells everyone how glad he is for this cat to be gone.

The dude beside me, about our age, then overstates the obvious, that she was only there for the money. Come to find out, this cat beside me is on his honeymoon. His wife comes up and is all pissy and he pretty much tells her to bug off. The dealer, who worked us well, by the way, great guy, asks if there’s trouble in paradise.

“Probably. She’s pissed because all i’ve done is play Blackjack all week. She wants to go to some stupid show tonight — i ain’t spending money to go to some dumbass show. i told her to go by herself.”

Worm, what are the odds on this one making it to the first anniversary?

Anyway, by 9 I was broke and tired, so i racked out.

I’m going to Naw’lins tonight and i believe i might just have a spare fifty or two for one more night tommorrow.

Later from Biloxi.

Because of this false titling, and in part because he’s tried so hard to keep everything a secret about his relationship with Erin, Aaron, Errin, Erinn (however you spell her damn name), and in part because he was sweating my nuts so much this week about a trivial fantasy football player, Lucas Miller will now go by the following name:

ALICE

While you may not understand the reasoning behind his new name, which I might add is a distinguished honor – Pele, Madonna and Prince all have one-name monikors – you should understand that it is only with great pride we herebyuntoforthwith name the previously dubbed Lucas Miller, Alice. Until Lucas decides he is man enough to retain a manly name like “Jacob” or “Your Daddy,” he shall be known as Alice.

Note: I get to decide when Alice’s name will return to Lucas, if it returns to Lucas, or any other name changes to the former Lucas Miller, and present Alice.

Roster changes for the week of 9/6: @ Wake Forest. It is my understanding that Ben has been activated from the ICMMODL (I Can’t Make My Own Decisions List), and will rejoin the starting lineup. No word yet on whether Lucas or Worm have been able to call up a young woman from their farm teams – aka Statutory Rape I and Statutory Rape II – to join the active roster for upcoming events.

Additionally, I have it on good authority that TNL will return to its normal format with next week’s issue, unless Alice comes up with another sorry excuse as to why he didn’t type this shit.

Jacob Crawford
Online Production Associate
The Sports Business Daily

FYI, Issue 2 has apparently been lost forever; I do have a vague memory of it being very contrived in a lax attempt to match the revolutionary direction of the pilot issue.

A few comments on Issue 3, below:

1. Remember when Chuck was still The Chest rather than The Clown and Football Jesus reigned superior?
2. I always figured Elizaben jokes would get old once those two were betrothed…but I was wrong.
3. Statefans Jacob.  Jacobfans.  Ah, those were the days.  Hey Jacob, which game are they blowing up the scoreboard again?  (Although I will admit me commenting on Jacob’s drinking…people who live in glass houses, I know).
4. Does anyone remember who Gary was?  
5. Lauren’s B-day…you just had to be there I guess.
6. The tent.  At least a hundred emails went back and forth about that tent. 

Volume 1, Issue 3
Biloxi or Gastonia
August 2003 

I think the biggest thing that hurt the program was when they lost Chuck Amato, when he went to NC State.  He was a big part of disciplining the players and helping reign the team in. When you saw Chuck coming, everybody would jump. Now they don’t have anybody like that over there.
~Sam Cowart

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor
So here we are, each of us, in our own way, enduring the final Dog Days of Summer – the last days until January where we’ll wonder “What the heck are we gonna do this weekend?”.  Because by this point, it’s so painfully obvious that if you have to ask, you’ll never know.  We’re gonna be doing our civic duty as good, moral, God-fearing, hard-working, Momma and Uncle Sam-respecting, apple-pie loving Americans: Watching college football dagummit!  Someone pass me a beer!

BOOM! – Here Come the Boys from the South
Alas, you can smell it: autumn.  Screw the calendar, fall officially begins this Saturday about noon when, minus Ben, we all gather next to Wade Avenue (literally) and Jacob performs the ceremonial “popping the top” of the 2003 season’s first Cold Adult Beverage.  I’d have to imagine this is our own little version of running through the tunnel, although I reckon we could all line up and run through the tent that Worm better have.

Western Carolina Preview
State and Western have met four times; State has won all four.  The Catamounts, 5-6 in 2002, are also winless versus all current ACC teams…ah heck, I can’t even justify spending the time previewing the Cullowhee Cats.  We should score on at least – AT LEAST – five of our first six possessions.  In fact, I’m gonna start complaining if we let them score before the fourth quarter.  By the third quarter, we should be getting a good look at Davis or Stone and by around 8 o’clock we should be in the mood to head on back and watch Florida State waxing Carolina.

Western is close to being a team Ben’s “high school team could beat.”  So let’s go out and drink some beer and have some fun and take care of business on the first leg of our road to New Orleans. 

Weather Forecast 
Tailgating: 91 degrees, 80% humidity, Isolated Thunderstorms
Gametime: 70 degrees, 90% humidity, Mostly Clear

Ben Joke of the Week
“Word, I’m not missing anymore games just so I don’t get left out of the daily emails.  It’s like being left alone on an island.  This sucks.”

I’ll Believe It When I See It
Jacob helped Lucas move this weekend.  Thanks man, really appreciate it.  Luke drove to Pineville to pick him up so he could drive the U-Haul back for him.  On the drive to Spartanburg, Jake told him, with as straight a face as you could ever imagine: “I only plan on having a couple [beers] at each game this year.  I really just want to have a few and relax and enjoy the games.”

Do huh?

I have only one response to that: When pigs stinking fly.  When Raleigh freezes over in August.  When Lizzy gives Ben his cojones back. 
 
For those of you wondering, Jacob only has a “couple” with his morning Corn Flakes.  A “couple” to Jacob means a couple six-packs.  This just won’t cut it.  As my papaw used to say: “Ahhh me, ‘at just don’t make no nevermind!”

A sober Jacob on game day would force Anheuser-Busch to completely rethink its marketing strategy.  We’re talking plummeting stock, here.  And how in the hell is anyone supposed to have fun without, at some point, Jacob saying or doing something completely stupid to Easy-E and spending the rest of the evening groveling and trying to get out of the doghouse?

“Statefans Jacob” would never be sober on game day.  I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Random Memorable Memory to be Remembered by Many
South Carolina game; 1999; Hurricane Dennis; in the old student lot.  Best known as the “tator throwing incident.”

Jacob and Gary and Shawn and I are standing in the bed of my truck, in the pouring rain, drunk (which is essentially a gimmie at almost any point between 1997 and 2000).  Suddenly, a good-sized potato comes hurling towards us, smashing into my truck.  Jacob grabs it and returns fire; he hurls it a solid eighty yards, on a perfect trajectory, hitting some dude standing on top of a U-haul square in the chest so hard he knocked that cat clean off the U-haul!

A few minutes later, this group of guys comes up, rolling eight deep.  By now, it’s just me and Gary (Jake and Shawn were off in the woods, I’m pretty sure, and Chip and Ben were both flirting with Melissa).  “Either of ya’ll see anyone throwing potatoes?  We’re gonna beat their ass when we find them; they knocked one of our friends off the U-haul!”

Eight on two: now I don’t know how many of them it would have taken to beat our asses, but I sure as heck knew how many they were planning to use.  And that’s some good information to have. 

I look at Gary, and as smooth as only pre-whipped, old-school G-Funk could be: “I don’t know who did it but they hit us, too!  We’ll help you find ‘em.  We want a piece, too.”

So we go strolling off behind these cats, looking for the culprits.  These are the things you tell your grandson about.  

TNL Page2
We celebrated Lauren’s birthday Saturday night.  Started with a nice surprise dinner at Amedeos; ended with, to my best estimate, around a $400 bar tab at Rum Runners.  We shut that place down.  Once outside (a bit of a struggle, mind you), Shawn asked me and Daniel if we were sure we had settled with the guy.  “Are you sure?” 

Yeah, Shawn, I’ve got a Visa receipt that says I’m pretty damn certain.  (Wanna see a look that is unmatched?  Ask Shawn about the cash he dropped in that place.)

Anyway, I wish words could describe just how much fun we had…and just how trashed we all were.  And I don’t just mean the usual suspects; I’m talking Lauren taking Wolfpack shooters with us and getting just plum rowdy. 

And Shawn…that cat was in rare form; I’m talking 1998 B.C. (Before Chic).  I hadn’t seen him that drunk since the bachelor party.  Freaking hilarious. 

I still don’t know how we got home, but I do remember the ride.  I remember laying in the back seat across Lauren, Kerie, and Shawn, while Shawn held my head down because “there’s a cop!”  But the best part might have been when he tried to get me to be quiet because he was hurting me and I thought I was gonna puke: instead of just covering my mouth, he decided it would be funnier to cover my mouth and pinch my nose closed and put his elbow into my jugular.  You know how difficult it gets to breathe when you suppress the air supply on a drunk dude?

And then it just got silly.  Shawn was running his mouth about something, so Lauren (getting ill, buzz and all), told him to “SHUT UP!”  The exchange went a little something like this:

Lucas: “Sh…awn…I…can’t…breath…”
Shawn: “Be quiet, there’s a cop!”
Lauren: “Shawn, be quiet!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “Shawn: BE QUIET!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “SHAWN – MY HUSBAND: BE QUIET!”
Lucas: “You’re choking me, man!”
Lauren: “Lucas, shut up!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “SHAWN!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”

Anyway, you get the point.  This went on the entire ride.

And then we got home.  Shawn, trying to regain the Title, collapses into the chair and stuffs his mouth full of Wheat Thins but decides he doesn’t really have the energy to chew them, so they just kind of rest there on the edge of his mouth and all over his stomach.

But then he decides he needs to puke.

Shawn: “Lucas, go open the back door for me.”
Lucas: “I’ll get right on that” (not moving).
Shawn: “I gotta puke.  Lucas, go open the back door for me.”
[Lauren enters from the back]: “Shawn, why do you want the back door open?”
Shawn [laughing uncontrollably]: “Lucas needs to puke.”
Lauren [very ill]: “Lucas, if you’re gonna puke go to the bathroom!”
Lucas: “I don’t NEED to puke.”
Shawn [Motions to me with his head]: “Yes you do.”
[Lauren looks down at me]
Lucas [sarcastic]: “Ok, it’s me; I’m the one that needs to puke.”
Shawn: “Lucas, open the back door so you can go puke.”
Lauren: “Shawn, go out the front!”
[Shawn tries his hardest to bypass removing the Charlie Bar and open the sliding door anyway].
Lauren: “SHAWN!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “SHAWN!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “SHAWN!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”

Again, you get the point.  Everyone else (Erin, Kerie, Daniel, and Kendal) is laughing uncontrollably, excluding Lauren (who did eventually laugh about it…the next morning).  The story ends – at least the official version anyway; see me for the unedited version – with Shawn comatose on the back steps, Lauren locking the door on us, and then Shawn collapsing in the guest bed because that was “his” bed.

We tried to be 19 again and we semi-succeeded, yet somehow failed miserably.  And I have to say, this has been the one of the roughest weeks of my life, as I am now in Day 4 of my hangover.  I am officially back on the wagon.  At least until Saturday anyway.

Time to Close the Flap
Matt: “I thought you already have a tent?”

Calm down, ya’ll.  Worm has a big red tent.  He erected that S.O.B. in his parking lot in a “celebration of his greatness.”

Worm, just don’t forget it.  That wouldn’t be prudent.

See ya’ll Saturday.

R.L.

 

 

Volume 1, TNL Special Report
August 2003
Raleigh

I still remember when I first found out about this.  I was in Raleigh on the Crabtree Valley Parking Deck project and staying in my old room at Shawn & Lauren’s for the week.  I logged on to check my email that afternoon and saw a flurry — nay, fury – of emails about something Ben had said.  I just remember being remarkably upset, like someone had despicably stolen my last shred of youthful naivete; I realized in that very moment that things would never be the same. 

This actually spawned the infamous explicative-ridden tirade of an email that graced the refridgerator door at Ben’s old house.  That email, to my knowledge, has been lost to the ages, probably for the best.  I think it’s funny looking back on how we used to think and how much we change over time (remember when Jacob was smaller than Ben?); I used to get so upset over the thought of anyone not renewing their LTRs, of football not being the central part of all our lives, but now I have a hard time justifying keeping them myself.  People may not change, but priorities do, forcing people to evolve.  This could now be appropriately titled “The Way We Were.”

It’s important to note, also, that Ben never did re-acquire his decision-making abilities.   

RALEIGH – Wire reports indicated on Thursday that Ben Crawford would not be attending the first home game nor would he be tailgating that day.  These reports were eventually confirmed, but what was still in question was the reasoning behind Crawford’s apparent need for truancy.

Initial rumors indicated that Crawford was not “looking forward to a game versus a team that his high school team [Asheville-Reynolds] could beat.”  These rumors were further compounded by an inside source revealing an email indicating that his girlfriend, Elizabeth Miller, had removed his manhood and then repealed his decision making abilities.

Ben had ankle surgery last week, and early reports indicated that he might have had “other parts” surgically removed as well.  Attempts to reach Ben by phone were unsuccessful; apparently, Elizabeth has revoked his phone privileges as well.

The email stated: “Looks like I may not be attending the Western game.  I gotta make amends for having a personal nurse this past week.  If ya’ll know of anyone that would be interested in some tickets, let me know.”

The backlash from the initial rumors was severe: “Un-[explicative]-believable,” said one member.  Another reply to this email was as follows: “I know someone who would like them.  He’s about 6’-3”-ish with a Leprechaun tattoo on his arm.  His name is Ben.  He’s a really cool guy.  Not even close to being the [explicative] you are.”  Another email reply said: “I can’t wait till Lucas gets a hold of this.”  Unfortunately, the nature of the content of Lucas’ email prevented this newsletter from printing it in its entirety, but the following reveals the overall nature of the email:

“Ben, you’re [explicative] dead to me.  Dead…I’m so ashamed…this isn’t funny…this is a perfect example of what happens to guys who won’t drink real beer…you’ve weakened a nation today…”

Special Deputy Assistant to the President, L.D. Williams said, “This is exactly the type of scandal that can topple a tailgating conference.  No one is immune.  No one.  We have our own investigations ongoing as to what has really happened.” 

Apparently, Tailgating President and CEO, Dr. R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD was fearful of a leak and immediately began spin control to maintain the Conference’s “credibility.”  Investigations are ongoing into the parts of the email that were destroyed, as it was originally believed that a cover-up at the highest level was taking place.  An inside source revealed that the original email included the phrases “So what we have to do now is damage control” and “We just have to get our stories straight.”

If it turns out that these charges are substantiated, then Crawford would be in serious violation of Rule 23.42(F).  No one knows exactly what punishment a violation of 23.42(F) entails because the Legislation Committee of the Tailgating Conference, led by the COO, J.R. Crawford, does not make the rules public so that he and Bentley can dole out punishments at their own recourse to suit their own agendas.  An inside source close to the COO though, said “the punishment would be harsh.”  Apparently, the maximum penalty is reserved for scheduling a wedding on the day of the Carolina game, which is unforgivable.  Missing a game “because your girlfriend won’t let you go” is on the same level.

But in a strange twist of events early Friday morning, as it turns out, no rules violation has occurred or will occur, apparently.  The initial rumors for the reason of his expected absence proved to be groundless and unsubstantiated.  A high-ranking Tailgating Conference official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the true reason Crawford will miss the Western Carolina game is because he will be on a top secret assignment in the Middle East, leading a small team of special operatives on a highly dangerous mission.  The specifics of this mission are unknown and the location is undisclosed.  “The emails were a part of his cover story.”

“We are very proud of Ben,” the official stated, “and we are appalled that such groundless rumors were created in an attempt to destroy the integrity of this great conference.”
 
As always, The TNL will stay on top of this story as it develops.