TNL Countdown to Football, Part 2

Volume 1, TNL Special Report
August 2003
Raleigh

I still remember when I first found out about this.  I was in Raleigh on the Crabtree Valley Parking Deck project and staying in my old room at Shawn & Lauren’s for the week.  I logged on to check my email that afternoon and saw a flurry — nay, fury – of emails about something Ben had said.  I just remember being remarkably upset, like someone had despicably stolen my last shred of youthful naivete; I realized in that very moment that things would never be the same. 

This actually spawned the infamous explicative-ridden tirade of an email that graced the refridgerator door at Ben’s old house.  That email, to my knowledge, has been lost to the ages, probably for the best.  I think it’s funny looking back on how we used to think and how much we change over time (remember when Jacob was smaller than Ben?); I used to get so upset over the thought of anyone not renewing their LTRs, of football not being the central part of all our lives, but now I have a hard time justifying keeping them myself.  People may not change, but priorities do, forcing people to evolve.  This could now be appropriately titled “The Way We Were.”

It’s important to note, also, that Ben never did re-acquire his decision-making abilities.   

RALEIGH – Wire reports indicated on Thursday that Ben Crawford would not be attending the first home game nor would he be tailgating that day.  These reports were eventually confirmed, but what was still in question was the reasoning behind Crawford’s apparent need for truancy.

Initial rumors indicated that Crawford was not “looking forward to a game versus a team that his high school team [Asheville-Reynolds] could beat.”  These rumors were further compounded by an inside source revealing an email indicating that his girlfriend, Elizabeth Miller, had removed his manhood and then repealed his decision making abilities.

Ben had ankle surgery last week, and early reports indicated that he might have had “other parts” surgically removed as well.  Attempts to reach Ben by phone were unsuccessful; apparently, Elizabeth has revoked his phone privileges as well.

The email stated: “Looks like I may not be attending the Western game.  I gotta make amends for having a personal nurse this past week.  If ya’ll know of anyone that would be interested in some tickets, let me know.”

The backlash from the initial rumors was severe: “Un-[explicative]-believable,” said one member.  Another reply to this email was as follows: “I know someone who would like them.  He’s about 6’-3”-ish with a Leprechaun tattoo on his arm.  His name is Ben.  He’s a really cool guy.  Not even close to being the [explicative] you are.”  Another email reply said: “I can’t wait till Lucas gets a hold of this.”  Unfortunately, the nature of the content of Lucas’ email prevented this newsletter from printing it in its entirety, but the following reveals the overall nature of the email:

“Ben, you’re [explicative] dead to me.  Dead…I’m so ashamed…this isn’t funny…this is a perfect example of what happens to guys who won’t drink real beer…you’ve weakened a nation today…”

Special Deputy Assistant to the President, L.D. Williams said, “This is exactly the type of scandal that can topple a tailgating conference.  No one is immune.  No one.  We have our own investigations ongoing as to what has really happened.” 

Apparently, Tailgating President and CEO, Dr. R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD was fearful of a leak and immediately began spin control to maintain the Conference’s “credibility.”  Investigations are ongoing into the parts of the email that were destroyed, as it was originally believed that a cover-up at the highest level was taking place.  An inside source revealed that the original email included the phrases “So what we have to do now is damage control” and “We just have to get our stories straight.”

If it turns out that these charges are substantiated, then Crawford would be in serious violation of Rule 23.42(F).  No one knows exactly what punishment a violation of 23.42(F) entails because the Legislation Committee of the Tailgating Conference, led by the COO, J.R. Crawford, does not make the rules public so that he and Bentley can dole out punishments at their own recourse to suit their own agendas.  An inside source close to the COO though, said “the punishment would be harsh.”  Apparently, the maximum penalty is reserved for scheduling a wedding on the day of the Carolina game, which is unforgivable.  Missing a game “because your girlfriend won’t let you go” is on the same level.

But in a strange twist of events early Friday morning, as it turns out, no rules violation has occurred or will occur, apparently.  The initial rumors for the reason of his expected absence proved to be groundless and unsubstantiated.  A high-ranking Tailgating Conference official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the true reason Crawford will miss the Western Carolina game is because he will be on a top secret assignment in the Middle East, leading a small team of special operatives on a highly dangerous mission.  The specifics of this mission are unknown and the location is undisclosed.  “The emails were a part of his cover story.”

“We are very proud of Ben,” the official stated, “and we are appalled that such groundless rumors were created in an attempt to destroy the integrity of this great conference.”
 
As always, The TNL will stay on top of this story as it develops.