Police Investigating Fat Man for Workplace Massacre

Charlotte police officials are investigating Gary “Big Buddha” Feierstein in the deaths of 37 employees at the law offices of F. Scott McLewers.  QC Police Lt. Jack Slim said Feierstein, who is well-known around Charlotte for his love of Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Money Shots, “dropped the deuce” during a drunken rampage through the office on the evening of March 24.  Several drops – more like heapings – of the infamous Feierstein Dung were found throughout the third floor of the building. 


According to preliminary lab reports, Feierstein’s excrement contained several ingredients known to be fatal for skinny people.  The large amount of McLewers employees who arrive at work early Monday morning were all found dead in the main lobby.  Apparently, the smell of the dung was so strong several of the employees died immediately.  The one survivor, Jeremy F. McGinnis of Nash County, was also an overweight bastard prone to eating similar treats as Feierstein.


Lab tech Lucy Putitinmybutt said the Feierstein Dung was would be fatal to skinnier, healthier people, but people like McGinnis could “survive the super deuce because they have been desensitized to the smell coming from their own ass.”


Lt. Slim and other officers did search Feierstein’s Concord abode (you can call Charlotte all you want, but all I see out the window of that bitch is a fucking speedway – it that’s not Concord, I don’t know what is), but found a surprisingly clean house without any super deuce samples to compare to the fatal piles.


A History of Drunk Deuce Dropping?

Ron and Cyndi Crawford of Orlando, Florida, heard about the story and thought back to a few years earlier when Feierstein did the Drunk Super Deuce at their Altamonte Springs apartment.  Because Feierstein was not quite so portly back then, that particular Drunk Super Deuce contained only regular stank, not the fatal kind.


Clearly, Feierstein has shown tendencies consistent with that of Disorderly Bowel Syndrome, says Dr. Matt “Chuck” Edwards.  Edwards, who has studied anuses for the past four years (he studied the poon before that, but he got tired of it, if you know what I’m saying), believes Feierstein needs medical treatment, not prison time.  “This subject does not show signs of malicious intent,” says Edwards.  “He just has a problem with the dookie.  Perhaps he and I should meet and talk about the inner workings of his anus.”

See below for Feierstein’s dangerous technique.


Squeezing another one out?

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