Author: R.L. Bentley III MD PhD

I still remember Jacob’s “we’re gonna spank that ass” email about that Wake game and me being torn between the simultaneous satisfaction and utter disappointment I’d have after we lost of being right.  Philip threw two of his seven interceptions of 2003 in that game, and both were deflections, but there was never a point during that game in which I believed we had a chance. 

Two things strike me as particularly funny in this one: 

First, Ben has always labored under the impression that he is somehow a fantasy God, and yet he’s never won any league in which I’ve ever participated with him.  He was very adamant that he could outscore everyone in this league, and yet, he didn’t make the playoffs that season.  However, I had the lowest total points in the regular season and made the playoffs as the fourth-seed. 

Second, how dated is this issue now?  We still had the time and desire to trade mass emails regularly throughout the week; Ole Blue was still in service, and not sitting decommissioned and rotting in my folks’ basement; we still had to deal with people getting married; and most importantly, Britney was still a sex symbol.   

The TAILGATING NEWSLETTER
“We only ask because we care.”
Volume 1, Issue 5
September 2003
Biloxi
 
I would first and foremost like to thank my VP and COO, J.R. Crawford, for stepping in and doing TNL in my stead last week, as I was much too busy becoming The Man at the Blackjack tables at the Beau Rivage Casino and Resort of Biloxi, Mississippi.  My memoirs of the week, Shit I Did, were reprinted in TNL Vol. 1, #4 (without, might I add, the express written consent of the office of the commissioner).  Let’s all give Jacob a round of applause for all his effort. 
 
I would also like to personally congratulate him for breaking the world record for the use of the phrase “statuatory rape” in a single email.  There’s nothing quite as redeeming as seeing your name beside that phrase on your office email address.  So, Jacob, a collective thank you from Worm, Chuck, and myself.  Fag.
 
Ah, the weekend.  Jacob actually called me an idiot for saying that Wake worried me.  “We’re gonna spank that ass,” he replied.  Now I don’t want to say I told you so, but… 
 
Turn-back-the-clock Saturday was filled with just flippin’ peachy occurances.  First, for all of you who might have forgotten our 1999 trip to Winston-Salem, Lee Fowler apparently arranged for former State head coach and fan favorite, Mike O’Cain, to be “Offensive Coordinator For a Day.”  O’Cain shaved his head and grew a thick black moustache and put on the headphones for the Pack one last time (hopefully); this was evident in the truly magnificent play-calling on first- and third-downs — calls that only O’Cain himself could make. 
 
So, on this fine example of an early autumn Saturday, reminscant of so many yonder autumn winds gone by, I settled into Ole Blue, Jr. at my house in Wilkes By God County with a plate of wings from Ted’s Kickin’ Chick’n in my lap and became a very keen observer of the game; a game in which Cotra Jackson very quietly racked up 24 yards on 12 carries, and yet, amazingly enough, you won’t find him on anybody’s Heisman List.  Unbelievable, is it not? 
 
And what sparkling play-calling on defense as well, where on one instance, second-and-goal from the one, CTC brilliantly pulls DT Tank Tyler and inserts into the game LB Oliver Hoyte in his place.  Brilliant move on his part, seeing as how our linebackers were doing such a marvelous job of helping out all day long.  Wake scores untouched, which was actually the norm for the day.  Kudos, fellas.
 
I remember saying after the spring game that as quick as our D looked, no way anyone would turn the corner on it.  As it would turn out, no one would need to, as it is much simpler to just run through the gaping holes in our line.  After all, the shortest distance between two points — the backfield and the end zone — is a straight line.
 
Thank God we don’t have to do something like go play the #2 team in the nation in front of 100,000 fans or anything next week…
 
Time to digress.
 
Full Disclosure Act
By presidential mandate, I, R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD, Tailgating President and CEO, hereby declare that the Full Disclosure Act of 2003 is in effect.
 
This stems from recent disapproval of presidential handling of his own private affairs.  Since apparently there is no room for a private life among this Tailgating Conference, from here until evermore this Tailgating Conference will operate under the terms of the Full Disclosure Act, which states:
 
Under no circumstances, according to Tailgating Law, shall you (or any of your subordinates) keep any aspect of your private life private.  Indeed, We only ask because we care.  Failure to comply with this mandate will result in harsh and unjust punishment, to be determined by the VP/COO at his own discretion.
 
In Layman’s terms, this means that even if you’ve only been out with a girl one time, you better have a very detailed explanation of your relationship with her or else you’re a “private” person.
 
Fantasy Football
For me, fantasy football is watching football all weekend long with the select NFL cheerleaders from this month’s Maxim…and they don’t ask me why they run it up the middle every time.  Next would have to be Britney in the opening monologue of MNF, as she was last night, only mute; let Bocephus do his job, Britney, you just be the hoochie that we all love.    
 
Week One is all said and done, and as Worm so very delicately noted, my fantasy team did, indeed, “set a record for futility” this weekend.  Thank you Worm for pointing that out to me.
 
Worm and the infamous Tracy finished the week tied at the top (cheaters); conversely, Jacob and Lucas failed to break a hundred, and sit at the bottom (which, incidentally enough, is where Lucas is used to being).  Shawn is in third; Chuck sixth; the ass fag Carolina fan fourth; and in a solid fifth, Ben, who actually had the second-highest point total but lost, prompting him to “vote for a recall in league commissioner” who is the very “idiot” that “put the damn draft on LABOR FREAKING DAY…”
 
To recap, Ben is “not being a sore loser,” doesn’t “like head-to-head leagues,” is “paying for his right to complain,” and will “put more money in saying that [he’d] end up with more points at the end of the season than [Worm].”
 
I smell a side bet.  So, in the spirit of uninhibited gambling, Ben and Worm will agree to a $20 minimum bet, and TNL will track the week-to-week performance of Ben’s and Worm’s fantasy teams, so that we may, indeed, watch with glee as this saga unfolds.
 
Week 1  
Worm  130
Ben     126
 
Ben Joke of the Week
“I wont be there till Saturday morning, hopefully by 10 or so.”
 
In this case, “or so” means whenever the hell Lizzy decides it’s time for Ben to be there.
 
News and Notes
The Texas Tech game will be at noon and will be televised by ESPN2.  Tailgating time is TBA, but will most likely be an 8am start and will likely consist of Bo-Bo’s and coffee for you weak asses that are too scared to crack open a beer before lunchtime.  Check your local listings for a Bo-Bo’s in your area. 
 
As of press time, no one has reported any wedding on that date, thank God.  As you might recall, some of us did not see the game in Lubbock last season, as the viewing of that barn-burner was precluded by the Williams Wedding.  But we did have a couple resources to keep up with the game.  Along with the radio we had strageically placed in the hallway just outside the vestibule, we had Jacob’s constant hand signals before and during the wedding; I can’t emphasize enough just how instrumental Jacob was in the success of that day.  Tremendous upside.
 
In the meantime, I bid you adieu, and farewell to thee.  Until next week.
 
R.L.

 

All I have to say about this one is that for the record, Easy-E did say she did not want to ride in the back of my truck. I might have used that to bolster my defense, but in no way did I fabricate that.

Volume 1, Issue 4
“Where We Only Ask Because We Care”
Charlotte, September 2003
by Jacob Crawford

With an excerpt from L. R. Miller’s Pullitzer-nominated “Compulsive: Memoirs of Biloxi”

Because our Tailgating President & CEO, Dr. R.L. Bentley III has been shipped to Biloxi, Mississippi with other useless Clemson fans, I am penning this week’s edition of TNL. However, if there are questions, concerns or other meaningless and totally unfounded criticism of this publication, it should still be directed to Mr. Bentley’s diaper, Lucas Miller.

Without further adieu, let’s get started with a recap of last weekend’s festivities.

First, Lucas called both Worm and myself Friday afternoon and informed us that he would not be joining us on our trip to Raleigh as previously planned. In a confidential statement that I’m unconfenditialing, Worm said that Lucas said something about Emily saying something about not wanting to sit in the back of a truck on the way back. Lucas also let the words “prior obligations” slip out of his mouth in the conversation. A) Lucas didn’t have prior obligations. B) If Emily, who he should’ve called Eazy-E, didn’t want to sit in the back of a truck, why would Lucas leave the three of us to ride in Worm’s truck to Raleigh. Either way, her Eaziness would be riding in the back of a truck because you know good and damn well my ass isn’t getting in the back of some bitch-ass truck. Back to point A). Lucas didn’t have prior obligations. He had a date. Apparently, the ass-clown hadn’t been on one in so long, he forgot how to say the word, “date.”

Upon our arrival to Raleigh, I suggested phoning Lucas and inquiring about his behavior. Worm added the grand suggestion of a solid practical joke on Lucas. Basically, I called Lucas, told him we weren’t coming to Raleigh, and he threw a hissy-fit, impressing his date.

In Lucas’ words, it went something like this:

Worm, who obviously holds such terrible animosity towards me because I am good with women and he is not, got a wild hair and decided it would be funny for Jacob to ‘Punk’ me.That S.O.B. calls me up and tells me he ain’t coming to the game until Saturday! The dirty, rotten-ass bastard.For the record, I knew he was lying, but something inside me went click and I flew into a fit of rage unmatched since Ben beat the hell out of Chip at Sylvan Park, way the hell back in 1998.At that moment, Jacob was dead to me. Dead. Which is really traumatic since that would make him the second Crawford to become dead to me in less than 2 weeks. Think Ben was on my shitlist? Hell, at least he was missing the game for an excusable…never mind, I can’t even try and justify it. Ben is still dead to me.But Jacob? First he tries to blame it on me. ME! “Well, we were planning on riding up with you but since you left us” — for good reason, might I add — “we’ve decided to come up tomorrow instead.” Then he tells me he doesn’t want to get up early. Speechless. Hang up #1.

Call back. Wait for him to laugh. Call him a few names. Explicative. A few more explicatives.

Hang up #2.

Call back. He still isn’t laughing. This isn’t funny. Not in the least.

Hang up #3.

Yeah, yeah, he was at the Ale House, I got punked, everyone laughed, haha, funny.

As you can see, Lucas conveniently leaves out the part where he told us he had “prior obligations” and the horseshit story about Eazy-E not wanting to ride in the back of a truck. The moral of the practical joke is this: If you’re going to sell out your friends for a date, that’s fine. Just make sure you are honest about it. See, when posed the question of whether or not he had a date, Lucas responded: “uh…. Maybe.” Lying isn’t cool, and lying to your friends about what is basically public knowledge of your relationship to seek personal glorification in the eyes of the cast of “Queer Eye for a Straight Guy” is downright stupid.

While at the Carolina Ale House Friday night, Worm noted that he was surprised to be the only person at the table without a date. That’s what happens when you continuously date women who have yet to receive their drivers’ licenses, much less women that are old enough to enter the Ale House.

When the shit hit the fan this week, the following comments were made in regards to Lucas’ situation:

“We only ask because we care.” – everyone in the group.

“It’s not like he’s dating someone he can’t tell everyone about, this time.” – Chuck Wagon

Enough about that… On to Saturday.

Although Ben notified us that he was not going to be attending the game, it was a real shock to be tailgating without someone downing an entire fifth of Captain Rum. From now on, Ben must consume Mount Gay Rum if he’s in our presence. If he brings another brand of rum, do your civic duty and drink the entire contents. As stated by nearly every person who has learned of the situation, it is now known that Ben has conceded all decision-making abilities. Word on the street has it that Ben even has to call Elizabeth (we need to find her a good nickname) and ask for permission to type on his keyboard at his office.

As usual, Saturday morning was spent at Bojangles and as Shawn noted, the fast-food crew had some problems adjusting to having a Caucasian team member. Here’s a clue that you need to get a new job: if you’re a grown ass man/woman handing out honey mustard at a fast-food joint, you need to get a new job.

Although it was tested earlier in the day, Chuck decided he could break Worm’s tent (the same one he doesn’t really have) first thing when we arrived to our new tailgating spot on the other side of the RBC Center. After downing a few beers and strips of Canadian bacon, Chuck took his father, Steve, who would later become the MVP of Section 30, on a journey around the facilities. Leave it to a French-Canadian to break shit and then wander off like he wasn’t responsible. Anyway, Worm enlisted me to join him in a trip to Dick’s Sporting Goods – where we purchased what were supposed to be our last-minute tailgating supplies earlier in the day. Nonetheless, I sprung a solid $85 for the tent (Eazy-E, if you’re reading this, the tent cost me $35) that would give us the proper amount of shade.

The tailgating included the following expected occurrences: Lucas and Worm found something to complain about; the dating habits of Lucas, Worm and Chuck (you know, the three that have toed the statutory rape line); Eazy-E, as predicted, found something wrong with my behavior at approximately 3:08pm ET; Shawn and I performed a remarkable rendition of the Biz Markie classic, “Just A Friend,” followed by Steve whispering in my ear, “You could use singing lessons.”

The game featured the Pack’s showdown with Western Carolina. We whipped that ass, but the most memorable moment of the day, was Steve joining the annoying “First Down” chant that goes something like this: “Move the chains, move the chains, roof roof roof.” While our entire group spent the entire game in amazement at the stupidity of the chant, Steve mocked the horses-asses, and then followed with “who was that?” Obviously, Chuck’s free-agent acquisition has seriously paid off for the group, and rumors have been circulating about Tailgating President & CEO Dr. R.L. Bentley III eyeing a trade that would send Chuck to an anonymous group for an attractive young woman that will shut the hell up. Other sources are saying the deal hit a snag, as there is no such thing as an attractive young woman that doesn’t talk too damn much.

It has come to my attention that something called a “TNL Supplement” was emailed to select readers this week. As acting dude in charge of shit, I hereby have renamed said email, “Shit I Did: Memoirs Of A Redneck In Biloxi.”

The email in full follows:

After a turbulence-ridden connection flight on one of America’s last remaining WWII-era prop-planes — trust me, nothing can rival the experience of a 15-minute roller coaster ride at 15,000 feet, nothing — I got the keys to my Chick Magnet (aka Hyundai Elantra) and coasted up Hwy 90 to one of the remaining bastions of Confederate glory.

Biloxi, Mississippi: Home of the Beau Rivage Casino and Resort (among numerous others). This place is plush. PLUSH. This would be a pretty sweet vacation spot, you know, minus the working-during the day and all.

I’m watching the six o’clock Sportscenter — which comes on at 5 here — and getting ready, standing at the bay window looking down on the Gulf from twenty-five stories up and I decide to take only cash and my room key; the credit cards and debit cards will stay safely in my wallet. No need to get all crazy or anything.

I’m ready. Let’s go play some Blackjack.

The Good
I now know when to hit, when to stay, when to split, and when to double-up. I know how to put insurance on the dealer’s hand. I know that a 14 is the same hand as a 16; they’re both a ‘Mother-in-law’ hand because “you want to hit her but you know you shouldn’t.” I know to split eights and nines and double-up on 10 or 11. The dealer was a working-tutorial because everyone at the table sucked (I’ll tell you why in a minute). I’d say ‘hit me’ and he’d say ‘you wanna stay, trust me’ (and based on the odds and numbers he was always right, although i didn’t always win). I learned how to play the dealer’s hand rather than my own. I now have the basic knowledge to play Blackjack for real…

The Bad
…I dropped a buck-fifty to learn. Well, minus the free Budweiser and three bottled waters it was really only like a buck-forty-seven or something. I won a lot. The problem was I made all my low bets ($5, minimum bet) on my winners and all my high bets ($10) on my losers. Lost with 19 or 20 like five times. But damn it if it wasn’t fun.

The Ugly
All the newbies were at the same table because the dealer had a disclaimer for anyone who sat in: “I’ll warn you, none of these guys know what they’re doing so they’re not playing the game right — just a warning.”

I found out quickly that people who know what they’re doing hate people that don’t because by playing the game ‘wrong’ you mess up the order for them. This fat girl plopped down beside me and laid $100 on the table — all the rest of us are playing the $5 minimum so she likely knows what she’s doing. Well, I took her face card, and that didn’t make her happy, and she let me know about it.

The Funny
This one guy at the table made a $5,000 bet (the max). This cat, easily chasing 60, has this Hawaiian Tropics Model wrapped around his arm, and he’s sporting a stack of $1K chips. She’s clinging to him, sipping on something Ben would drink, laughing as she bets a $100 and then hits on 19. hilarious. he just laughs (likely at the rest of us because he knew he’d be getting some later on).

So then the waitress comes by to take drink orders. The dealer tells us she was Miss Mississippi 1998 (absolutely believavble, might want to check with Worm though to make sure). Anyway, I take my Bud and plop down $3 worth of chips on her tray, thinking I’m The Man. She works her way around to the old bugger and he drops a $500 chip on her tray. $500! This kitty slinking on his arm obviously doesn’t like that at all so she starts pouting, refusing to make a bet. They wind up leaving to go eat and the dealer tells everyone how glad he is for this cat to be gone.

The dude beside me, about our age, then overstates the obvious, that she was only there for the money. Come to find out, this cat beside me is on his honeymoon. His wife comes up and is all pissy and he pretty much tells her to bug off. The dealer, who worked us well, by the way, great guy, asks if there’s trouble in paradise.

“Probably. She’s pissed because all i’ve done is play Blackjack all week. She wants to go to some stupid show tonight — i ain’t spending money to go to some dumbass show. i told her to go by herself.”

Worm, what are the odds on this one making it to the first anniversary?

Anyway, by 9 I was broke and tired, so i racked out.

I’m going to Naw’lins tonight and i believe i might just have a spare fifty or two for one more night tommorrow.

Later from Biloxi.

Because of this false titling, and in part because he’s tried so hard to keep everything a secret about his relationship with Erin, Aaron, Errin, Erinn (however you spell her damn name), and in part because he was sweating my nuts so much this week about a trivial fantasy football player, Lucas Miller will now go by the following name:

ALICE

While you may not understand the reasoning behind his new name, which I might add is a distinguished honor – Pele, Madonna and Prince all have one-name monikors – you should understand that it is only with great pride we herebyuntoforthwith name the previously dubbed Lucas Miller, Alice. Until Lucas decides he is man enough to retain a manly name like “Jacob” or “Your Daddy,” he shall be known as Alice.

Note: I get to decide when Alice’s name will return to Lucas, if it returns to Lucas, or any other name changes to the former Lucas Miller, and present Alice.

Roster changes for the week of 9/6: @ Wake Forest. It is my understanding that Ben has been activated from the ICMMODL (I Can’t Make My Own Decisions List), and will rejoin the starting lineup. No word yet on whether Lucas or Worm have been able to call up a young woman from their farm teams – aka Statutory Rape I and Statutory Rape II – to join the active roster for upcoming events.

Additionally, I have it on good authority that TNL will return to its normal format with next week’s issue, unless Alice comes up with another sorry excuse as to why he didn’t type this shit.

Jacob Crawford
Online Production Associate
The Sports Business Daily

FYI, Issue 2 has apparently been lost forever; I do have a vague memory of it being very contrived in a lax attempt to match the revolutionary direction of the pilot issue.

A few comments on Issue 3, below:

1. Remember when Chuck was still The Chest rather than The Clown and Football Jesus reigned superior?
2. I always figured Elizaben jokes would get old once those two were betrothed…but I was wrong.
3. Statefans Jacob.  Jacobfans.  Ah, those were the days.  Hey Jacob, which game are they blowing up the scoreboard again?  (Although I will admit me commenting on Jacob’s drinking…people who live in glass houses, I know).
4. Does anyone remember who Gary was?  
5. Lauren’s B-day…you just had to be there I guess.
6. The tent.  At least a hundred emails went back and forth about that tent. 

Volume 1, Issue 3
Biloxi or Gastonia
August 2003 

I think the biggest thing that hurt the program was when they lost Chuck Amato, when he went to NC State.  He was a big part of disciplining the players and helping reign the team in. When you saw Chuck coming, everybody would jump. Now they don’t have anybody like that over there.
~Sam Cowart

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor
So here we are, each of us, in our own way, enduring the final Dog Days of Summer – the last days until January where we’ll wonder “What the heck are we gonna do this weekend?”.  Because by this point, it’s so painfully obvious that if you have to ask, you’ll never know.  We’re gonna be doing our civic duty as good, moral, God-fearing, hard-working, Momma and Uncle Sam-respecting, apple-pie loving Americans: Watching college football dagummit!  Someone pass me a beer!

BOOM! – Here Come the Boys from the South
Alas, you can smell it: autumn.  Screw the calendar, fall officially begins this Saturday about noon when, minus Ben, we all gather next to Wade Avenue (literally) and Jacob performs the ceremonial “popping the top” of the 2003 season’s first Cold Adult Beverage.  I’d have to imagine this is our own little version of running through the tunnel, although I reckon we could all line up and run through the tent that Worm better have.

Western Carolina Preview
State and Western have met four times; State has won all four.  The Catamounts, 5-6 in 2002, are also winless versus all current ACC teams…ah heck, I can’t even justify spending the time previewing the Cullowhee Cats.  We should score on at least – AT LEAST – five of our first six possessions.  In fact, I’m gonna start complaining if we let them score before the fourth quarter.  By the third quarter, we should be getting a good look at Davis or Stone and by around 8 o’clock we should be in the mood to head on back and watch Florida State waxing Carolina.

Western is close to being a team Ben’s “high school team could beat.”  So let’s go out and drink some beer and have some fun and take care of business on the first leg of our road to New Orleans. 

Weather Forecast 
Tailgating: 91 degrees, 80% humidity, Isolated Thunderstorms
Gametime: 70 degrees, 90% humidity, Mostly Clear

Ben Joke of the Week
“Word, I’m not missing anymore games just so I don’t get left out of the daily emails.  It’s like being left alone on an island.  This sucks.”

I’ll Believe It When I See It
Jacob helped Lucas move this weekend.  Thanks man, really appreciate it.  Luke drove to Pineville to pick him up so he could drive the U-Haul back for him.  On the drive to Spartanburg, Jake told him, with as straight a face as you could ever imagine: “I only plan on having a couple [beers] at each game this year.  I really just want to have a few and relax and enjoy the games.”

Do huh?

I have only one response to that: When pigs stinking fly.  When Raleigh freezes over in August.  When Lizzy gives Ben his cojones back. 
 
For those of you wondering, Jacob only has a “couple” with his morning Corn Flakes.  A “couple” to Jacob means a couple six-packs.  This just won’t cut it.  As my papaw used to say: “Ahhh me, ‘at just don’t make no nevermind!”

A sober Jacob on game day would force Anheuser-Busch to completely rethink its marketing strategy.  We’re talking plummeting stock, here.  And how in the hell is anyone supposed to have fun without, at some point, Jacob saying or doing something completely stupid to Easy-E and spending the rest of the evening groveling and trying to get out of the doghouse?

“Statefans Jacob” would never be sober on game day.  I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Random Memorable Memory to be Remembered by Many
South Carolina game; 1999; Hurricane Dennis; in the old student lot.  Best known as the “tator throwing incident.”

Jacob and Gary and Shawn and I are standing in the bed of my truck, in the pouring rain, drunk (which is essentially a gimmie at almost any point between 1997 and 2000).  Suddenly, a good-sized potato comes hurling towards us, smashing into my truck.  Jacob grabs it and returns fire; he hurls it a solid eighty yards, on a perfect trajectory, hitting some dude standing on top of a U-haul square in the chest so hard he knocked that cat clean off the U-haul!

A few minutes later, this group of guys comes up, rolling eight deep.  By now, it’s just me and Gary (Jake and Shawn were off in the woods, I’m pretty sure, and Chip and Ben were both flirting with Melissa).  “Either of ya’ll see anyone throwing potatoes?  We’re gonna beat their ass when we find them; they knocked one of our friends off the U-haul!”

Eight on two: now I don’t know how many of them it would have taken to beat our asses, but I sure as heck knew how many they were planning to use.  And that’s some good information to have. 

I look at Gary, and as smooth as only pre-whipped, old-school G-Funk could be: “I don’t know who did it but they hit us, too!  We’ll help you find ‘em.  We want a piece, too.”

So we go strolling off behind these cats, looking for the culprits.  These are the things you tell your grandson about.  

TNL Page2
We celebrated Lauren’s birthday Saturday night.  Started with a nice surprise dinner at Amedeos; ended with, to my best estimate, around a $400 bar tab at Rum Runners.  We shut that place down.  Once outside (a bit of a struggle, mind you), Shawn asked me and Daniel if we were sure we had settled with the guy.  “Are you sure?” 

Yeah, Shawn, I’ve got a Visa receipt that says I’m pretty damn certain.  (Wanna see a look that is unmatched?  Ask Shawn about the cash he dropped in that place.)

Anyway, I wish words could describe just how much fun we had…and just how trashed we all were.  And I don’t just mean the usual suspects; I’m talking Lauren taking Wolfpack shooters with us and getting just plum rowdy. 

And Shawn…that cat was in rare form; I’m talking 1998 B.C. (Before Chic).  I hadn’t seen him that drunk since the bachelor party.  Freaking hilarious. 

I still don’t know how we got home, but I do remember the ride.  I remember laying in the back seat across Lauren, Kerie, and Shawn, while Shawn held my head down because “there’s a cop!”  But the best part might have been when he tried to get me to be quiet because he was hurting me and I thought I was gonna puke: instead of just covering my mouth, he decided it would be funnier to cover my mouth and pinch my nose closed and put his elbow into my jugular.  You know how difficult it gets to breathe when you suppress the air supply on a drunk dude?

And then it just got silly.  Shawn was running his mouth about something, so Lauren (getting ill, buzz and all), told him to “SHUT UP!”  The exchange went a little something like this:

Lucas: “Sh…awn…I…can’t…breath…”
Shawn: “Be quiet, there’s a cop!”
Lauren: “Shawn, be quiet!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “Shawn: BE QUIET!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “SHAWN – MY HUSBAND: BE QUIET!”
Lucas: “You’re choking me, man!”
Lauren: “Lucas, shut up!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “SHAWN!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”

Anyway, you get the point.  This went on the entire ride.

And then we got home.  Shawn, trying to regain the Title, collapses into the chair and stuffs his mouth full of Wheat Thins but decides he doesn’t really have the energy to chew them, so they just kind of rest there on the edge of his mouth and all over his stomach.

But then he decides he needs to puke.

Shawn: “Lucas, go open the back door for me.”
Lucas: “I’ll get right on that” (not moving).
Shawn: “I gotta puke.  Lucas, go open the back door for me.”
[Lauren enters from the back]: “Shawn, why do you want the back door open?”
Shawn [laughing uncontrollably]: “Lucas needs to puke.”
Lauren [very ill]: “Lucas, if you’re gonna puke go to the bathroom!”
Lucas: “I don’t NEED to puke.”
Shawn [Motions to me with his head]: “Yes you do.”
[Lauren looks down at me]
Lucas [sarcastic]: “Ok, it’s me; I’m the one that needs to puke.”
Shawn: “Lucas, open the back door so you can go puke.”
Lauren: “Shawn, go out the front!”
[Shawn tries his hardest to bypass removing the Charlie Bar and open the sliding door anyway].
Lauren: “SHAWN!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “SHAWN!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”
Lauren: “SHAWN!”
Shawn: “LUCAS!”

Again, you get the point.  Everyone else (Erin, Kerie, Daniel, and Kendal) is laughing uncontrollably, excluding Lauren (who did eventually laugh about it…the next morning).  The story ends – at least the official version anyway; see me for the unedited version – with Shawn comatose on the back steps, Lauren locking the door on us, and then Shawn collapsing in the guest bed because that was “his” bed.

We tried to be 19 again and we semi-succeeded, yet somehow failed miserably.  And I have to say, this has been the one of the roughest weeks of my life, as I am now in Day 4 of my hangover.  I am officially back on the wagon.  At least until Saturday anyway.

Time to Close the Flap
Matt: “I thought you already have a tent?”

Calm down, ya’ll.  Worm has a big red tent.  He erected that S.O.B. in his parking lot in a “celebration of his greatness.”

Worm, just don’t forget it.  That wouldn’t be prudent.

See ya’ll Saturday.

R.L.

 

 

Volume 1, TNL Special Report
August 2003
Raleigh

I still remember when I first found out about this.  I was in Raleigh on the Crabtree Valley Parking Deck project and staying in my old room at Shawn & Lauren’s for the week.  I logged on to check my email that afternoon and saw a flurry — nay, fury – of emails about something Ben had said.  I just remember being remarkably upset, like someone had despicably stolen my last shred of youthful naivete; I realized in that very moment that things would never be the same. 

This actually spawned the infamous explicative-ridden tirade of an email that graced the refridgerator door at Ben’s old house.  That email, to my knowledge, has been lost to the ages, probably for the best.  I think it’s funny looking back on how we used to think and how much we change over time (remember when Jacob was smaller than Ben?); I used to get so upset over the thought of anyone not renewing their LTRs, of football not being the central part of all our lives, but now I have a hard time justifying keeping them myself.  People may not change, but priorities do, forcing people to evolve.  This could now be appropriately titled “The Way We Were.”

It’s important to note, also, that Ben never did re-acquire his decision-making abilities.   

RALEIGH – Wire reports indicated on Thursday that Ben Crawford would not be attending the first home game nor would he be tailgating that day.  These reports were eventually confirmed, but what was still in question was the reasoning behind Crawford’s apparent need for truancy.

Initial rumors indicated that Crawford was not “looking forward to a game versus a team that his high school team [Asheville-Reynolds] could beat.”  These rumors were further compounded by an inside source revealing an email indicating that his girlfriend, Elizabeth Miller, had removed his manhood and then repealed his decision making abilities.

Ben had ankle surgery last week, and early reports indicated that he might have had “other parts” surgically removed as well.  Attempts to reach Ben by phone were unsuccessful; apparently, Elizabeth has revoked his phone privileges as well.

The email stated: “Looks like I may not be attending the Western game.  I gotta make amends for having a personal nurse this past week.  If ya’ll know of anyone that would be interested in some tickets, let me know.”

The backlash from the initial rumors was severe: “Un-[explicative]-believable,” said one member.  Another reply to this email was as follows: “I know someone who would like them.  He’s about 6’-3”-ish with a Leprechaun tattoo on his arm.  His name is Ben.  He’s a really cool guy.  Not even close to being the [explicative] you are.”  Another email reply said: “I can’t wait till Lucas gets a hold of this.”  Unfortunately, the nature of the content of Lucas’ email prevented this newsletter from printing it in its entirety, but the following reveals the overall nature of the email:

“Ben, you’re [explicative] dead to me.  Dead…I’m so ashamed…this isn’t funny…this is a perfect example of what happens to guys who won’t drink real beer…you’ve weakened a nation today…”

Special Deputy Assistant to the President, L.D. Williams said, “This is exactly the type of scandal that can topple a tailgating conference.  No one is immune.  No one.  We have our own investigations ongoing as to what has really happened.” 

Apparently, Tailgating President and CEO, Dr. R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD was fearful of a leak and immediately began spin control to maintain the Conference’s “credibility.”  Investigations are ongoing into the parts of the email that were destroyed, as it was originally believed that a cover-up at the highest level was taking place.  An inside source revealed that the original email included the phrases “So what we have to do now is damage control” and “We just have to get our stories straight.”

If it turns out that these charges are substantiated, then Crawford would be in serious violation of Rule 23.42(F).  No one knows exactly what punishment a violation of 23.42(F) entails because the Legislation Committee of the Tailgating Conference, led by the COO, J.R. Crawford, does not make the rules public so that he and Bentley can dole out punishments at their own recourse to suit their own agendas.  An inside source close to the COO though, said “the punishment would be harsh.”  Apparently, the maximum penalty is reserved for scheduling a wedding on the day of the Carolina game, which is unforgivable.  Missing a game “because your girlfriend won’t let you go” is on the same level.

But in a strange twist of events early Friday morning, as it turns out, no rules violation has occurred or will occur, apparently.  The initial rumors for the reason of his expected absence proved to be groundless and unsubstantiated.  A high-ranking Tailgating Conference official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the true reason Crawford will miss the Western Carolina game is because he will be on a top secret assignment in the Middle East, leading a small team of special operatives on a highly dangerous mission.  The specifics of this mission are unknown and the location is undisclosed.  “The emails were a part of his cover story.”

“We are very proud of Ben,” the official stated, “and we are appalled that such groundless rumors were created in an attempt to destroy the integrity of this great conference.”
 
As always, The TNL will stay on top of this story as it develops. 

 

The Tailgating Newsletter started as a simple email in 2003 written by a lonely, young man living in the Beau Rivage and through the years has evolved into a phenomenon with a following reaching cult proportions.  No one could have ever foreseen the impact it would have on those it has reached, especially not this humble author.

In honor of the most ground-breaking independent tailgating publication in east-central North Carolina, TNL staff is counting down the days to football season by rolling out every archived issue of TNL that exists.  Each issue will be prefaced by a short commentary by the author and then followed by the original, unedited edition.  Some issues have been forever lost to posterity; the ones that follow in the next two weeks survived…

Volume 1, Issue 1
August 2003
Biloxi, Mississippi

This one was literally written in a matter of minutes, although it likely played out in my mind all morning.  I can remember being on the production line outside in the scorching August Biloxi heat, doing a time study, and all of the sudden I knew I needed an A/C break and I went in and just started typing.  It was more for my own entertainment than anyone else’s.  This was still back in the days where I believed that I still had some potential and so did Chuck Amato; back when life still had happy endings.  I was particularly proud of the “yonder autumn winds gone by;” that still cracks me up.  I’ve always tried to write the same way I’d tell a story, and I think this original TNL issue captured my unique style perfectly.

Of particular note is Ben “acquiring” Lizzy and bringing Worm on through expansion.  While Lizzy’s utility status never quite panned out after the fashion of former utility tailgater Mr. Fonville, Worm has shown tremendous upside and I’m pleased to announce he has been re-signed for another season.

Miller’s attempts to bring on a smoking-hot co-ed continue to prove unsuccessful.

Enjoy.

 

The Tailgating newsletter
A Message from Your Tailgating President

Aloha means “Hello!” fellow tailgating participants!

I would first like to thank the man above, without whom, none of this would be possible.  And I want to thank each of you for allowing me to serve you in this capacity (like you had a choice).  But most of all, I’d like to thank myself; just because I can.

The dog days of summer are ensuing and the autumn season is once again nearing, and as we approach our sophomore alumni season, we remember the good times, the good food, and good friends of yesteryear.  We delight in the memory of yonder autumn winds gone by; of blistering heat and of driving rainstorms and of magnificent sunsets (and sunrises, actually); and of past glory.  Pain heals; chicks dig scars; glory lasts forever.  Unless it fades.  So do it because the chicks dig it.

It seems like just yesterday when Benjamin Rae Crawford was cooking hotdogs on that tiny grill (that we bought at the Apex Walmart at 1am on the eve of that gameday), beside the Tank, using his fingers to turn them and take them off the grill because we forgot, of all things, utensils.  Of course, we remembered the 5 jugs of Sweet Tarts, but not the silverware.  But that was in 1997; many, many, many memorable memories ago.  That was our first tailgating experience, our first home game as students (vs. Clemson; for those keeping score, we lost, 19-17 because Eric Leak couldn’t catch a freaking beach ball).  I would like to say we have learned much since then, but it would be so incredibly remiss of me to speak so unkindly of the truth. 

So in the ever-eternal essence of the spirit of autumn winds gone by, we shall plan to plan better for the ensuing tailgating season, one that promises to create even more memorable memories to be remembered by many.

We’re not just a bunch of sloppy, loud, obnoxious, bare-chested, stumbling, sausage-biscuit-throwing drunks anymore, much to our chagrin; we are now an esteemed contingent of proud and semi-respected alumni and we shall mind our manners and behave in accordance to all that is decent and proper (at least while we’re sober).

We shall plan to plan each game a half-fortnight in advance.  The brash yet talented Deputy Special Assistant to the President of Tailgating Operations, Mrs. Lauren D(amn) Williams, will take charge of this in my stead (because, let’s face it, no one really takes me seriously, and really, why should they?).  Deputy Williams will be sending out a weekly electronic-mail message to all members requesting recommendations for the following weekend’s festivities, so that as a group we can all be better organized.  Please respond promptly to this message so she can organize who needs to bring what and promptly get back with each of you through one mass electronic-mail message detailing what responsibilities you have been charged with.

This is to ensure that our festivities run smoother than a cheap Walmart watch, which could not be said in autumn days gone by.  If it will assuage your fears in even the slightest capacity, please know that I will have very little to do with actually getting anything done, as I am just a status symbol.  I sit in the cheap seats, just like you.  Plus, I’ll likely be laid up drunk somewhere and won’t remember.

Your cooperation is most graciously appreciated.

Should you be troubled with any concerns or questions, please feel free to contact Deputy Williams between the hours of 3am and 4am on weekdays or anytime before 7am on Saturdays, as I am much too busy with the day-to-day Tailgating operations to deal with your petty problems.

News and Notes

I am proud to announce that negotiations to expand our current tailgating conference have been successful.  I feel this move was necessary to ensure our status among the nation’s tailgating elite.  Through intense off-season negotiations, we acquired Jeremy McGinnis and his accompanying tailgater-to-be-named-later.  This move has almost certainly solidified our position among the finest tailgating groups in the nation, as we now have a sixth alumnus among us.  McGinnis will begin participating as an active member in the 2003 season and we are very pleased to have him.

Benjamin R. Crawford has recently acquired Elizabeth Miller, who will likely be used as a utility tailgater on certain weekends.  She has shown the proclivity for being feisty and she should fit in well…Matt Edwards and Lucas Miller have yet to announce their free-agent signings for their accompanying tailgating slots, although Miller is believed to be close to signing veteran tailgater, Mr. Fonville, who was a strong addition on several occasions last year.  Miller’s past attempts for signing a smoking-hot blonde co-ed have been unsuccessful.  Edwards and Miller both have until August 29th to announce their signings.

Remember little people, the tailgating season is only 6 short weeks away!

Sincerely,
Dr. R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD
Tailgating President/CEO
Chief of Neurosurgery,
Wilkes Hospital

RALEIGH — The 2006 NC State squad now has something very much in common with the 2002 version: both teams took an 8-0 record into its home game against Georgia Tech and both ended the game in heart-breaking fashion at 8-1. 

Andre Brown was held under 100 yards for the first time all season and Marcus Stone threw four interceptions while the Yellow Jackets showed near flawless execution of their running game to set up the big pass play en route to a 35-21 victory over the host Wolfpack on a rare cold and snowy afternoon in Raleigh (November 4).

The Pack came into the game with the #1-ranked defense in the nation, allowing an average of only 134 total yards per game, but they were ill-prepared to deal with the ACC’s leading receiver Calvin Johnson.  Reggie Ball connected with Johnson for 432 total yards and four touchdowns, all of 25 or more yards. 

“He was making catches in stride that no one else in this game could ever make,” A.J. Davis said after the game.  Davis, who is an impact player with eight interceptions on the year, was burned on almost every big play by the Tech duo.

Almost all of Johnson’s yards were after the catch.

The game was sloppy early, with both teams ending their first two drives with interceptions in the end zone.  Pat Lowery stole a touchdown with a leaping grab and Garland Heath picked off an errant throw to the corner of the end zone.  Marcus Stone looked like Jay Davis circa 2004. 

The Pack got on the board first early in the second quarter with an 80-yard drive, capped off by an 8-yard TD pass from Stone to John Dunlap, who leads all ACC receivers in touchdowns. 

On the ensuing Tech possession, the Pack D stepped up again, sacking Ball twice and forcing a Yellow Jacket punt deep in their own territory.  After a series of Andre Brown 25- and 17-yard runs, the Pack looked to take total control of the game just before the half.  But on the next play from the Tech 18, Stone underthrew Lamart Barrett and Kenny Scott picked off the pass and returned it for a touchdown.

With the score tied 7-7 at the half, Tech set the tone for the rest of the game with their first drive of the second half.  Davis had done a remarkable job of containing Johnson to that point, but Ball and Tashard Choice began working the option effectively, frustrating the Pack linebackers and forcing them to honor the run.  This opened Johnson up for big play after big play.

State chased Tech the rest of the way and had many opportunities to force a punt, but Johnson came through on every single third down of the second half, establishing himself as the ACC’s premier receiver. 

And so the Wolfpack, who believed they had garnered no respect nationally, are now fighting an uphill battle to win their division and play in the ACC Championship game in Jacksonville for a shot at their first BCS bowl.  You know, that same one that Chuck Amato keeps talking about but never puts them in a position to actually get to.

 

RALEIGH — NC State moved to 5-0 Monday night at Carter-Finley Stadium with a dominating 35-14 victory over #6 Florida State in front of 63,500 screaming fans.  The Wolfpack thouroughly dominated the Seminoles (3-2) on both sides of the ball, and moved into the AP Top 25 for the first time this season, landing at #23.

Andre Brown continued his Heisman Trophy campaign in front of a national ESPN audience, carrying the ball 32 times for 143 yards and five touchdowns.  The Wolfpack had 16 first downs to the Seminoles’ three, was 5-for-5 in the red zone, and had a 275-56 advantage in total offense.

It was a performace typical of FSU in this rivalry with NC State.

The State defense swarmed sophomore quarterback Christian Ponder relentlessly after knocking starting quarterback Xavier Lee out of the game on the second play.  Willie Young and DeMario Pressley had two sacks each and the defensive added eight hurries to take away the FSU passing attack. 

“Those ends gave me fits the whole game,” Ponder, the Coleyville, TX 5-star recruit said after the game.  Ponder was sacked four times and finished 1-for-2 on the game.  His only completion was a 51-yard touchdown strike against broken coverage.  That was the most offense FSU would see on this evening.

Lorenzo booker, who many have as their pre-season ACC player of the year, had 11 carries for 24 yards.

The Pack D set the tone early, knocking Lee out of the game on the first series.  It took the offense a little longer to get going, but Andre Brown found the end zone for the first time with a 2-yard TD run with 1:33 left in the first quarter. 

The defense again set up the offense, intercepting Ponder on the next drive and returning the ball to the FSU four yard line, where Brown was called on and scored for the second time of the day on a 1-yard run.

The Pack led the Noles 21-7 at the half, but FSU made it interesting on the first drive of the second half, as Marcus Stone unleashed a Jay Davis-esque pass that was promptly intercepted and returned 61 yards for a touchdown to close the score to 21-14.  It would turn out to be the only positive note for the Noles though, as State recovered and regained control.

Stone would finish a modest 8-for-16 for 124 yards with two interceptions.  Darrell Blackman led all receivers with 68 yards on four catches.  Lamart Barrett pulled in one catch for 15 yards, and Geron James had one catch for 18 yards.  The ACC’s leading receiver John Dunlap left the game with a bruised rib after his only catch of the game.  He should be ready to go for Wake Forest (2-3) next week.

Brown would go on to add touchdown runs of four, one, and two yards on his way to being named the national player of the week.  He was even featured on the cover of this week’s ESPN The Magazine under the title “Hostility Abounds in Raleigh as NC State downs FSU to move to 5-0.”

“Daggumit, them boys just have our number,” Bobby Bowden said after the game, where he met his former protege Quack Amato at midfield to have a quick makeout session. 

Coach Amato was hoarse as usual after the game, but he was fired up about something other than the game.  Apparently someone in Section 30, Row Y left the game at the end of the 3rd quarter to go drink in the parking lot.  “I tell you what, he’s a bad fan!”

The Pack are at home next weekend against 2-3 Wake Forest. 

RALEIGH – The defending 1-AA National Champions were no match for the defending Meineke Car Care Bowl champions Monday night in the 2006 season-opener.  The Wolfpack dismissed the Mountaineers 70-0 in front of a sellout crowd at Carter-Finley Stadium, most of who were much too drunk and sweaty to notice, or even care.

With Appalachian State returning 17 starters from their 2005 championship team, many Wolfpack fans had worried this would be a close game.  But Darrell Blackman and Andre Brown, along with the penetrating NC State defense, put those worries to rest early in the first quarter.

“They were knocking the hell out of me,” said ASU junior Trey Elder, who split time at quarterback with All-Everything Richie Williams last season.  “This definitely wasn’t Western Carolina’s defense.”

Elder was sacked for six and eight yard losses, respectively, on the first two plays, and then hurriedly threw an interception to Garland Heath.  The Mountaineers’ first first-down was at the 0:03 mark of the first quarter when A.J. Davis inexplicably “dove” in the open field while sliding over to cover the pass. 

“I don’t know what happened on that play,” Davis joked after the game.  “It was like someone else was controlling my movements out there at times.”

Elder was sacked a total of 10 times and hurried 14 times.  The Appalachian State offense managed just 95 total yards for the game, almost all of it coming in the second half after State coach Quack Amato substituted both his second-string offense and defense into the game. 

Meanwhile, NC State was cruising.  Andre Brown got the Pack on the board first at the 2:44 mark with an eight-yard scoring run.  After a three-and-out for the Mountaineers, Brown followed on the first play of the second drive with a 43-yard touchdown run, untouched.  State’s D held again, and Darrell Blackman returned the ensuing punt 58 yards for his first touchdown to end the first quarter, untouched.   

Brown added touchdown runs of 90 yards and four yards in the second quarter, and Blackman returned his second punt 54 yards for another touchdown.  Marcus Stone was an impressive 4-for-5 for 71 yards, completing two passes each to John Dunlap and Lamart Barrett, who both complained after the game about not getting enough touches.  State led 42-0 at the half. 

Amato took the entire first string offense and defense out to give the backups some reps, but the dominance continued.  The Wolfpack began the second half with a 78-yard, 3:45 drive, all rushing plays, ending with a 2-yard touchdown run by Toney Baker. 

Blackman returned two more punts for touchdowns in the second half, and Baker added another rushing touchdown to push the score to 70-0.

“They stomped us,” Jerry Moore said after the game.  There had been upset hopes for this team; the Mountaineers went to Baton Rouge to open the 2005 season and left with a moral victory, losing 20-0 and playing LSU as hard as anyone in the SEC did all season.  But there were no moral victories to be had in this game.

The Wolfpack totaled 604 yards altogether, but only ran 26 offensive plays.  Brown rushed for 179 yards on nine carries and had four touchdowns; Baker rushed for 113 yards on 13 carries and added two touchdowns.  Darrell Blackman perhaps began a Heisman campaign with 223 punt return yards and four touchdowns.

“I was like Forrest Gump out there tonight,” Blackman added.  “I even fair-caught two just so the offense could get on the field and burn clock.  Then I found out this game wasn’t even televised; I wasted all that effort for jack shit.”

On defense, the Pack dominated the Appalachian O-line and controlled the tempo of the game, never allowing Elder any comfort to pass.  DeMario Pressley and Willie Young each had three sacks, Littleton Wright added two, and DeMarcus Tyler and Garland Heath added one each. 

Young, starting as a redshirt freshman after spending a year improving his academics at Hargrave Military Academy, also had five tackles for loss.  “That’s how we roll in the WP, bitches,” he added, apparently referring to his hometown of West Palm Beach, FL.

ASU’s A.D., Charlie Cobb, who played for Dick Sheridan and spent time as the Assistant A.D. at State, had mixed emotions.  “We got pounded, sure.  But that $200,000 check they gave us is my moral victory.”
 

I’ll admit I wasn’t terribly disappointed by the whole hockey experience.  I have now seen six games in my entire life and I will lay off of it from now on because unabashedly, I actually enjoyed watching it (and I was only drunk four of the six games, that was the real test).  I was wrong, it isn’t “soccer on ice;” they hit hard and they skate fast and they run plays very similar to basketball.  With that said, I’ll go see a game if the tickets are free. 

There’s a certain enjoyment to the innocence of watching a new sport you have zero knowledge of; it’s quite emancipating.  I wasn’t analyzing the finer aspects of the game; hell, I was just trying to keep up with the puck.  I even had my own version of “Why do they run it up the middle everytime?” 

By Game 5 I was even commenting on how well they were “skating” and last night I made the comment that the RBC crowd standing the entire game was a local college thing a full three minutes before the announcer made that exact same parallel.  I still have no clue what icing is and I’m ok with that. 

Most importantly, it’s always rewarding to find additional ways of reminding Canadians just how inferior they are to Americans, particularly Southerners.  There’s good reason they’ve all moved down here.  “We stand on guard for Thee,” my fat, white redeneck ass. 

Oh yeah, I’m glad it’s over, eh.  Now take down your car flags yankees.

J.J. Redick, the most over-hyped college basketball player since the last great Duke player, sometime around 2001, was arrested for driving while intoxicated Monday night.  His blood alcohol level was 0.11.  The officer charges that he had glassy eyes and strong odor of alcohol on his breath.  Redick regrets it and apologized, of course.  Krewshdjdkksjski supports him, of course.  He’s of fine outstanding character, blah blah.

This stayed on the front page of ESPN.com for all of about two hours, which is suprising, since he was not wearing a helmet.  Or maybe they just needed the space to shove Bono’s precious World Cup down our throats.  Apparently, the whole world should be in total harmony until whenever this thing ends.

Personally, I care more about having Pujols healthy and back on my fantasy roster.

Actually, there’s really no point to this post.