{"id":60,"date":"2006-08-24T11:01:25","date_gmt":"2006-08-24T15:01:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/section30.com\/?p=60"},"modified":"2006-08-24T11:01:25","modified_gmt":"2006-08-24T15:01:25","slug":"tnl-countdown-to-football-part-5","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/section30.com\/?p=60","title":{"rendered":"TNL Countdown to Football, Part 5"},"content":{"rendered":"

I still remember Jacob’s “we’re gonna spank that ass” email about that Wake game and me being torn between the simultaneous satisfaction and utter disappointment I’d have after we lost of being right.\u00c2\u00a0 Philip threw two of his seven interceptions of 2003 in that game, and both were deflections, but there was never a point during that game in which I believed we had a chance.\u00c2\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Two things strike me as particularly funny in this one:\u00c2\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

First, Ben has always labored under the impression that he is somehow a fantasy God, and yet he’s never won any league in which I’ve ever participated with him.\u00c2\u00a0 He was very adamant that he could outscore everyone in this league, and yet, he didn’t make the playoffs that season.\u00c2\u00a0 However, I had the lowest total points in the regular season and made the playoffs as the fourth-seed.\u00c2\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Second, how dated is this issue now?\u00c2\u00a0 We still had the time and desire to trade mass emails regularly throughout the week; Ole Blue was still in service, and not sitting decommissioned and rotting in my folks’ basement; we still had to deal with people getting married; and most importantly, Britney was still a sex symbol.<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

The TAILGATING NEWSLETTER
\n“We only ask because we care.”<\/em>
\nVolume 1, Issue 5
\nSeptember 2003
\nBiloxi<\/strong>
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nI would first and foremost like to thank my VP and COO, J.R. Crawford, for stepping in and doing TNL in my stead last week, as I was much too busy becoming The Man at the Blackjack tables at the Beau Rivage Casino and Resort of Biloxi, Mississippi.\u00c2\u00a0 My memoirs of the week, Shit I Did, were reprinted in TNL Vol. 1, #4 (without, might I add, the express written consent of the office of the commissioner).\u00c2\u00a0 Let’s all give Jacob a round of applause for all his effort.\u00c2\u00a0
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nI would also like to personally congratulate him for breaking the world record for the use of the phrase “statuatory rape” in a single email.\u00c2\u00a0 There’s nothing quite as redeeming as seeing your name beside that phrase on your office email address.\u00c2\u00a0 So, Jacob, a collective thank you from Worm, Chuck, and myself.\u00c2\u00a0 Fag.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nAh, the weekend.\u00c2\u00a0 Jacob actually called me an idiot for saying that Wake worried me.\u00c2\u00a0 “We’re gonna spank that ass,” he replied.\u00c2\u00a0 Now I don’t want to say I told you so, but…\u00c2\u00a0
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nTurn-back-the-clock Saturday was filled with just flippin’ peachy occurances.\u00c2\u00a0 First, for all of you who might have forgotten our 1999 trip to Winston-Salem, Lee Fowler apparently arranged for former State head coach and fan favorite, Mike O’Cain, to be “Offensive Coordinator For a Day.”\u00c2\u00a0 O’Cain shaved his head and grew a thick black moustache and put on the headphones for the Pack one last time (hopefully); this was evident in the truly magnificent play-calling on first- and third-downs — calls that only O’Cain himself could make.\u00c2\u00a0
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nSo, on this fine example of an early autumn Saturday, reminscant of so many yonder autumn winds gone by, I settled into Ole Blue, Jr. at my house in Wilkes By God County with a plate of wings from Ted’s Kickin’ Chick’n in my lap and became a very keen observer of the game; a game in which Cotra Jackson very quietly racked up 24 yards on 12 carries, and yet, amazingly enough, you won’t find him on anybody’s Heisman List.\u00c2\u00a0 Unbelievable, is it not?\u00c2\u00a0
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nAnd what sparkling play-calling on defense as well, where on one instance, second-and-goal from the one, CTC brilliantly pulls DT Tank Tyler and inserts into the game LB Oliver Hoyte in his place.\u00c2\u00a0 Brilliant move on his part, seeing as how our linebackers were doing such a marvelous job of helping out all day long.\u00c2\u00a0 Wake scores untouched, which was actually the norm for the day.\u00c2\u00a0 Kudos, fellas.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nI remember saying after the spring game that as quick as our D looked, no way anyone would turn the corner on it.\u00c2\u00a0 As it would turn out, no one would need to, as it is much simpler to just run through the gaping holes in our line.\u00c2\u00a0 After all, the shortest distance between two points — the backfield and the end zone — is a straight line.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nThank God we don’t have to do something like go play the #2 team in the nation in front of 100,000 fans or anything next week…
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nTime to digress.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nFull Disclosure Act<\/strong>
\nBy presidential mandate, I, R.L. Bentley, III, MD, PhD, Tailgating President and CEO, hereby declare that the Full Disclosure Act of 2003 is in effect.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nThis stems from recent disapproval of presidential handling of his own private affairs.\u00c2\u00a0 Since apparently there is no room for a private life among this Tailgating Conference, from here until evermore this Tailgating Conference will operate under the terms of the Full Disclosure Act, which states:
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nUnder no circumstances, according to Tailgating Law, shall you (or any of your subordinates) keep any aspect of your private life private.\u00c2\u00a0 Indeed, We only ask because we care.\u00c2\u00a0 Failure to comply with this mandate will result in harsh and unjust punishment, to be determined by the VP\/COO at his own discretion.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nIn Layman’s terms, this means that even if you’ve only been out with a girl one time, you better have a very detailed explanation of your relationship with her or else you’re a “private” person.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nFantasy Football<\/strong>
\nFor me, fantasy football is watching football all weekend long with the select NFL cheerleaders from this month’s Maxim…and they don’t ask me why they run it up the middle every time.\u00c2\u00a0 Next would have to be Britney in the opening monologue of MNF, as she was last night, only mute; let Bocephus do his job, Britney, you just be the hoochie that we all love.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nWeek One is all said and done, and as Worm so very delicately noted, my fantasy team did, indeed, “set a record for futility” this weekend.\u00c2\u00a0 Thank you Worm for pointing that out to me.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nWorm and the infamous Tracy finished the week tied at the top (cheaters); conversely, Jacob and Lucas failed to break a hundred, and sit at the bottom (which, incidentally enough, is where Lucas is used to being).\u00c2\u00a0 Shawn is in third; Chuck sixth; the ass fag Carolina fan fourth; and in a solid fifth, Ben, who actually had the second-highest point total but lost, prompting him to “vote for a recall in league commissioner” who is the very “idiot” that “put the damn draft on LABOR FREAKING DAY…”
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nTo recap, Ben is “not being a sore loser,” doesn’t “like head-to-head leagues,” is “paying for his right to complain,” and will “put more money in saying that [he’d] end up with more points at the end of the season than [Worm].”
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nI smell a side bet.\u00c2\u00a0 So, in the spirit of uninhibited gambling, Ben and Worm will agree to a $20 minimum bet, and TNL will track the week-to-week performance of Ben’s and Worm’s fantasy teams, so that we may, indeed, watch with glee as this saga unfolds.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nWeek 1<\/strong>\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0
\nWorm\u00c2\u00a0 130
\nBen\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 126
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nBen Joke of the Week<\/strong>
\n“I wont be there till Saturday morning, hopefully by 10 or so.”
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nIn this case, “or so” means whenever the hell Lizzy decides it’s time for Ben to be there.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nNews and Notes<\/strong>
\nThe Texas Tech game will be at noon and will be televised by ESPN2.\u00c2\u00a0 Tailgating time is TBA, but will most likely be an 8am start and will likely consist of Bo-Bo’s and coffee for you weak asses that are too scared to crack open a beer before lunchtime.\u00c2\u00a0 Check your local listings for a Bo-Bo’s in your area.\u00c2\u00a0
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nAs of press time, no one has reported any wedding on that date, thank God.\u00c2\u00a0 As you might recall, some of us did not see the game in Lubbock last season, as the viewing of that barn-burner was precluded by the Williams Wedding.\u00c2\u00a0 But we did have a couple resources to keep up with the game.\u00c2\u00a0 Along with the radio we had strageically placed in the hallway just outside the vestibule, we had Jacob’s constant hand signals before and during the wedding; I can’t emphasize enough just how instrumental Jacob was in the success of that day.\u00c2\u00a0 Tremendous upside.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nIn the meantime, I bid you adieu, and farewell to thee.\u00c2\u00a0 Until next week.
\n\u00c2\u00a0
\nR.L.<\/p>\n

\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I still remember Jacob’s “we’re gonna spank that ass” email about that Wake game and me being torn between the simultaneous satisfaction and utter disappointment I’d have after we lost of being right.\u00c2\u00a0 Philip threw two of his seven interceptions of 2003 in that game, and both were deflections, but there was never a point … Continue reading TNL Countdown to Football, Part 5<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":18,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-60","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/18"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=60"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=60"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=60"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=60"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}