{"id":155,"date":"2007-03-30T08:51:24","date_gmt":"2007-03-30T12:51:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/section30.com\/?p=155"},"modified":"2007-03-30T08:59:51","modified_gmt":"2007-03-30T12:59:51","slug":"police-investigating-fat-man-for-workplace-massacre","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/section30.com\/?p=155","title":{"rendered":"Police Investigating Fat Man for Workplace Massacre"},"content":{"rendered":"

Charlotte police officials are investigating Gary \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Big Buddha\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Feierstein in the deaths of 37 employees at the law offices of F. Scott McLewers.\u00c2\u00a0 QC Police Lt. Jack Slim said Feierstein, who is well-known around Charlotte for his love of Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Money Shots, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153dropped the deuce\u00e2\u20ac\u009d during a drunken rampage through the office on the evening of March 24.\u00c2\u00a0 Several drops \u00e2\u20ac\u201c more like heapings \u00e2\u20ac\u201c of the infamous Feierstein Dung were found throughout the third floor of the building.\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

According to preliminary lab reports, Feierstein\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s excrement contained several ingredients known to be fatal for skinny people.\u00c2\u00a0 The large amount of McLewers employees who arrive at work early Monday morning were all found dead in the main lobby.\u00c2\u00a0 Apparently, the smell of the dung was so strong several of the employees died immediately.\u00c2\u00a0 The one survivor, Jeremy F. McGinnis of Nash County, was also an overweight bastard prone to eating similar treats as Feierstein.<\/p>\n

\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

Lab tech Lucy Putitinmybutt said the Feierstein Dung was would be fatal to skinnier, healthier people, but people like McGinnis could \u00e2\u20ac\u0153survive the super deuce because they have been desensitized to the smell coming from their own ass.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

Lt. Slim and other officers did search Feierstein\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Concord abode (you can call Charlotte all you want, but all I see out the window of that bitch is a fucking speedway \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not Concord, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what is), but found a surprisingly clean house without any super deuce samples to compare to the fatal piles.<\/p>\n

\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

A History of Drunk Deuce Dropping?
\n<\/strong>\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

Ron and Cyndi Crawford of Orlando, Florida, heard about the story and thought back to a few years earlier when Feierstein did the Drunk Super Deuce at their Altamonte Springs apartment.\u00c2\u00a0 Because Feierstein was not quite so portly back then, that particular Drunk Super Deuce contained only regular stank, not the fatal kind.<\/p>\n

\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

Clearly, Feierstein has shown tendencies consistent with that of Disorderly Bowel Syndrome, says Dr. Matt \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Chuck\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Edwards.\u00c2\u00a0 Edwards, who has studied anuses for the past four years (he studied the poon before that, but he got tired of it, if you know what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m saying), believes Feierstein needs medical treatment, not prison time.\u00c2\u00a0 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153This subject does not show signs of malicious intent,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d says Edwards.\u00c2\u00a0 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He just has a problem with the dookie.\u00c2\u00a0 Perhaps he and I should meet and talk about the inner workings of his anus.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

See below for Feierstein’s dangerous technique.<\/p>\n

\u00c2\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Squeezing<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Charlotte police officials are investigating Gary \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Big Buddha\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Feierstein in the deaths of 37 employees at the law offices of F. Scott McLewers.\u00c2\u00a0 QC Police Lt. Jack Slim said Feierstein, who is well-known around Charlotte for his love of Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Money Shots, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153dropped the deuce\u00e2\u20ac\u009d during a drunken rampage through the office on … Continue reading Police Investigating Fat Man for Workplace Massacre<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=155"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/155\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=155"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=155"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/section30.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=155"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}